So all groups are just like lightning in your confused state of mind. Don’t expect more than that – and even that is too much! Don’t expect that they will change you completely, because nothing can change you except yourself. But they can show the way, give you a glimpse, so that one feels confident and goes on moving, searching.
When you are thirsty, a group can simply show that water exists. It cannot give you water, but it shows you that it exists, so you know that to quench the thirst is not just a mad quest, something impossible. It is there waiting; one just has to make a little effort. So you do a few other groups, mm?
I felt split by the group. While I was doing it, I kept feeling that I didn’t want to be there. But then I decided to commit myself and to do all the structures as well as I could. Every time there’s a structure I feel like I’m in a prison. What happened in meditation was a freedom, I felt free. Here I felt I’d suppressed myself. Now I feel split.
It happens to people because they don’t understand the nature of freedom. A free person is one who, if he wills, can remain at ease in a prison, if he wants, can accept any discipline. Only prisoners are afraid of structure and slaves are afraid of discipline.
A free person is never afraid of anything. As I see it, you have always remained structured, and you have become afraid of it, mm? If somebody brings alcohol near a person who is an addict, the person will at first become afraid of it, because if alcohol is there it is dangerous for him. But for one who is not an addict, there is no problem.
It is your fear, a fear of freedom. Your fear that you know you can cling to a structure has created the split. Try it next time in some other group, because it is only for three or four days, mm? You accept out of your freedom, nobody is forcing you.
Freedom is not license, and does not mean no structure. It simply means flexibility, that one can move from one structure to another easily – from no-structure to structure, from structure to no-structure. If your freedom is afraid of being in a structure, then it is not freedom at all.
Just try to understand this, and the split will disappear. It is not there in your being, but just in your mind, just an idea. Drop the idea and enjoy freedom, and sometimes discipline.
Discipline has its own beauty, it is not all slavery. And freedom has its own dangers and is not all beautiful. A real person is always capable of infinite discipline and infinite freedom – he is not a slave or an addict to anything.