Chapter 5: To Be One Again
So is the case with all the polarities: the negative and the positive, love and hate, beauty and ugliness, day and night, summer and winter, and so is the case with man and woman. Man cannot be without the woman, and the woman cannot be without the man. They are part of one dialectical process. Between these two poles there is both attraction and repulsion, because attraction and repulsion cannot be separated. Hence you feel attracted towards the woman or towards the man and repulsed at the same time. A part of you wants to be with the woman, a part of you wants to be alone. You are always hesitating.
If you are with the woman or with the man, you start longing for the freedom - to be on your own, to be alone. Suddenly you become very interested in being alone and free, and you don’t know where this desire to be free is coming from. The woman or the man, the other, is provoking it. The moment you have left the other, this desire, this longing, this great longing to be alone will disappear. And then you are surprised, really surprised: when you are alone you simply feel lonely. You don’t feel that joy that you had contemplated, you don’t see any freedom; you simply see loneliness surrounding you, and your whole existence becomes cold, frozen, dark. Again the desire arises to be with the other. Now you hanker for love, for togetherness.
This is the problem between man and woman: they are attracted and repulsed together, simultaneously. They want to come to be together and they want to be separate and alone, on their own. Hence the constant conflict between man and woman.
Marriage is a love-hate affair, an attraction-repulsion affair. If the marriage lasts long it only can last if there are mini-divorces happening every day - only then can it last long. If the man and the woman have decided not to fight, then it is a plastic marriage. They will be together, they will manage to be together, but they will never be together in reality; they will never know those moments of unity. They are only pretending. They are being polite, but not true, not authentic.
Marriage is a kind of intimate enmity. It is an intimate enmity, it is a friendly fight, it is a war. Yes, between two wars there are peaceful moments too, and they are beautiful because of the two wars.
Couples go on fighting - that’s how they keep the flame of love alive. Once they fight, they go away from each other. When they are far away from each other in their psychologies, they start hankering for the other, they start missing the other. Then they start seeking and groping for the other. Then they come close, and very close.because they have tasted something of loneliness. Now they want to be very close. Once they have tasted of closeness they want to be separate again.
So don’t be worried about it. It is a fundamental phenomenon. You cannot escape it. The only way to escape is to have a pretend marriage, which is not a true marriage: remain polite to each other. It is a kind of contract that, “I need you and you need me,” that, “I will scratch your back and you scratch my back” - that’s all - “because I need you and you need me. You are my security, I will be your security.” It is a legal contract, but not marriage.
This is the second fundamental to be understood before you can enter into the sutras.