Chapter 4: Straight to Freedom
The master laughed and he said, “Because he rejected me - that’s why. His rejecting was the initiation, but at that time I couldn’t understand it. Had he accepted me I would not have been enlightened so soon. He rejected me out of deep compassion, and his very rejection was the initiation; in his very rejection he accepted me. He said, ‘You don’t need it.’ He said, ‘Go away, as far away as possible from me, otherwise you will make a prison out of me.’ And when he rejected me I felt very hurt; I carried the wound for years. And the wound was so painful that I never tried with any other master. I became so afraid! I simply moved into the forest and started sitting on my own, because if this compassionate man had rejected me, who would accept me? This was the last shelter and the doors had closed. Now there was no shelter for me.
“Feeling unworthy, wounded, hurt, I moved. I never tried, I never knocked on any other master’s door again. I became so scared. But sitting silently, not doing anything - because I didn’t know what to do: the master had rejected me, he had not given me any method, any technique, nothing - feeling lonely, remaining lonely, in the beginning it was sad, in the beginning it was negative. In the beginning I was continuously feeling the rejection. But by and by, sitting silently, the rejection disappeared, sadness disappeared, because how long can you be sad? It comes, it goes.
“By and by loneliness disappeared: I became alone. And by and by I started to feel that maybe the master had rejected me just to throw me into my aloneness there in that forest. Maybe he had said that no method was needed - you just sit silently - maybe he had rejected me so that I wouldn’t start clinging to him. By and by the wound was no longer there, it healed, and I started feeling deep love for the master. And by and by the love became trust. And one day suddenly I realized and laughed loudly, a belly laugh, because this master was something strange: he had initiated me through his rejection! That’s why I am celebrating his enlightenment day. I am his disciple: he initiated me through rejection - I have been initiated, I am his disciple, I am enlightened because of him. And it would have been cruel had he accepted me.”
Subtle are the ways, and you cannot judge with your crude criteria. Your criteria are just on the surface.
Alarmed, the bird flew straight through the opening of the window, to freedom.
Bahauddin said: “To him that sound must have been something of a shock, even an affront, do you not agree?”
And I ask the same to you: Do you not agree? If you feel that the agreement is difficult, that means the ego is strong. If you feel that agreement comes, flows into your being, then the ego is not strong. And you cannot have anything from me until you die - don’t you agree?
Enough for today.