Chapter 14: Parenthood: Giving Your Child a Wholeness
A father will be conscious; he will not force anything on the child. Rather, he will allow the child to be himself, he will help the child to be himself. He will give freedom to the child, because if he has known anything, he must know that only through freedom does the inner grow. If he has experienced anything in his life, he knows well that experience needs freedom. The more freedom, the richer is your experience. The less freedom, the less is the possibility to experience. If there is no freedom at all then you can have borrowed experiences, imitations, shadows, but never the real thing, never the authentic.
Fathering a child will mean giving him more and more freedom, making him more and more independent, allowing him to move into the unknown, where you have never been. He should transcend you, he should go ahead of you, he should surpass all the boundaries that you have known. He must be helped but not forced, because once you start forcing you are killing, you are murdering the child.
The spirit needs freedom - it grows in freedom and only in freedom. If you are really a father you will be happy if the child is rebellious, because no father would like to kill the spirit of the child.
But you are not fathers. You are ill with your own illnesses. When you force a child to follow you, you are simply saying that you would like to dominate someone. You cannot do it in the world, but this small child - at least you can dominate him, possess him. You are being a politician to the child. You want to fulfill some unfulfilled desires through the child - domination, dictatorship. At least you can be a dictator to the child; he is so weak, he is so young and helpless, and he depends on you so much, that you can force anything on him. But by forcing you are killing him. You are not giving birth to him, you are destroying him.
The child who follows will look good - because he is dead. The child who is rebellious will look bad because he is alive.
Because we have missed life ourselves, we are against life. Because we are already dead, dead before death, we always want to kill others. Subtle are the ways. In the name of love you can kill. In the name of compassion you can kill. In the name of service you can kill. We find beautiful names- deep down, the murderer is sitting.
Realize this, then you will not think in these terms - that this child is good and that child is bad. Don’t interpret. Every person is unique, every person is different. The divine creative force is such that it never repeats.
So only say this much, that this child is different from that child. Don’t say this is good and that is bad. You don’t know what is good and what is bad. This child is obedient, that child is disobedient; but no one knows what is good.
And don’t force. If this child is obedient in his own spontaneity, then it is good. This is his nature - help it to grow. And if that child is rebellious, disobedient, this is his nature - help him to grow. Let one grow to be a deep yes-sayer; let the other grow to be a deep no-sayer. But don’t interpret, because the moment you interpret you start destroying. This is his nature to say yes, and that is his nature to say no. Both are needed.