Chapter 2: Freedom Is a Higher Value
The first question:
The love in me is dependent on the outside world. At the same time I see what you say about being complete within. What happens to love if there is nothing and nobody to recognize and taste it? Who are you without disciples?
The first thing: There are two kinds of love.C. S. Lewis has divided love into these two kinds: “need-love” and “gift-love.” Abraham Maslow also divides love into two kinds. The first he calls “deficiency-love” and the second he calls “being-love.” The distinction is significant and has to be understood.
The need-love or the deficiency-love depends on the other; it is immature love. In fact it is not truly love, it is a need. You use the other, you use the other as a means; you exploit, you manipulate, you dominate. But the other is reduced, the other is almost destroyed. And exactly the same is being done by the other. He is trying to manipulate you, to dominate you, to possess you, to use you. To use another human being is very unloving, so it only appears like love; it is a false coin. But this is what happens to almost ninety-nine percent of people, because the first lesson of love that you learn is in your childhood.
A child is born, he depends on the mother. His love towards the mother is a deficiency-love: he needs the mother, he cannot survive without the mother. He loves the mother because mother is his life. In fact, there is no love, he will love any woman - whosoever will protect him, whosoever will help him to survive, whosoever will fill up his need. The mother is a sort of food that he eats. It is not only milk that he gets from the mother, it is love too - and that too is a need.
Millions of people remain childish all their lives, they never grow up. They grow in age, but they never grow in their minds; their psychology remains juvenile, immature. They are always needing love, they are hankering for it like food.
Man becomes mature the moment he starts loving rather than needing. He starts overflowing, sharing; he starts giving. The emphasis is totally different. With the first, the emphasis is on how to get more. With the second, the emphasis is on how to give - how to give more and how to give unconditionally. This is growth, maturity, coming to you.
A mature person gives. Only a mature person can give, because only a mature person has it. Then love is not dependent, then you can be loving whether the other is or is not. Then love is not a relationship, it is a state.