Chapter 18: The Light of Awareness
Do this: whenever something happens in your mind, follow it to the source. Anger is there - a sudden flash has come to you - close your eyes, meditate on it. From where is this anger arising? Never ask the question: Who has made it possible?, who has made you angry? That is a wrong question. Ask which energy in you is transforming into anger - from where is this anger coming up, bubbling up? What is the source inside from where this energy is coming?
Are you aware that in anger you can do something which you cannot do when you are not in anger? A person in anger can throw a big stone easily. When he is not angry he cannot even lift it. He has much energy when he is angry; a hidden source is now with him. So if a man is mad, he becomes very strong. Why? From where is this energy coming? It is not coming from anything outside. Now all his sources are burning simultaneously - anger, sex, everything, is burning simultaneously. Every source is available.
Be concerned with from where anger is bubbling up, from where the sex desire has come in. Follow it, take steps backwards. Meditate silently, and go with anger to the roots. It is difficult, but it is not impossible. It is not easy, it is not going to be easy, because it is a fight against a long, rooted habit. The whole past has to be broken, and you have to do something new which you have never done before. It is just the weight of sheer habit which will create the difficulty. But try it, and then you are creating a new direction for energy to move. You are beginning to be a circle, and in a circle energy is never dissipated.
My energy comes up and moves outside - it can never become a circle now, it is simply dissipated. If my movement inwards is there, then the same energy which was going out turns upon itself. My meditation leads this energy back to the same source from where the anger was coming, it becomes a circle. This inner circle is the strength of a Mahavira. The sex energy, not moving to someone else, moves back to its own source. This circle of sex energy is the strength of a buddha.
We are weaklings; not because we have less energy than a buddha, we have the same quanta of energy, everyone is born with the same energy quanta, but we are accustomed to dissipating it. It simply moves away from us and never comes back. It cannot come back! Once it is out of you it can never come back, it is beyond you.
A word arises in me: I speak it out; it has flown away. It is not going to come back to me, and the energy that was used in producing it, that was used in throwing it away, is dissipated. A word arises in me: I don’t throw it out; I remain silent. Then the word moves and moves and moves, and falls into the original source again. The energy has been reconsumed.
Silence is energy. Brahmacharya is energy. Not to be angry is energy. But this is not suppression. If you suppress anger, you have used energy again. Don’t suppress - observe and follow. Don’t fight - just move backwards with the anger. This is the purest method of awareness.