Chapter 72: Start Living in Insecurity
If you fall in love with me, you will feel dejected, you will feel very disappointed because you cannot make me happy, you cannot make me more happy, there is nothing more. If you cannot make me happy you will feel unhappy, and so you will try to make me unhappy! Because at least if you can do that, that too will be a satisfaction. You will try to make me unhappy - unknowingly, you are not alert, you are not aware of it. If you are aware you will not do it. But you will try - your unconscious mind will try to make me unhappy. If you can make me unhappy then you can be certain that you can make me happy also. But if you cannot make me unhappy you are totally disappointed. Then you will feel that you are not related to me at all, because this is what relationship means to you.
Ordinary love is a disease because the duality goes on persisting. And to understand the love of an enlightened person is difficult. Intellectually there is no way to understand it. You have to fall in love. And then you have to be alert about your own mind because that mind will go on disturbing.
Buddha became enlightened, then he came back to his home - he came back after twelve years. His wife, whom he had loved very much, was very angry, furious. All these twelve years she had been waiting and waiting - someday this man will come back. And she had much revenge in her mind because this man had done an injustice to her, he was unfair. Suddenly one night he had disappeared. At least he could have said something, then it would have been fair, but without saying anything he simply disappeared, leaving her and their small child. For twelve years she waited, and then Buddha came. She was furious, she was mad.
Buddha’s nearest, closest disciple was Anand. Anand had always followed him like a shadow. When Buddha was entering the palace he said to Anand, “Please don’t come with me.” Anand asked why, because he had an ordinary mind, he was not enlightened. He became enlightened only when Buddha died. He said, “Why? Are you still thinking in terms of wife and husband? That you are going to meet your wife? Are you still thinking in terms of wife and husband?” He was shocked. How can a buddha, an enlightened person, say, “Don’t come with me. I am going to meet my wife?”
Buddha said, “That is not the point. She will get more furious seeing that I have come with someone. She has been waiting for twelve years. Let her be mad alone. She belongs to a very ancient family, very cultured So she will not be angry before you, she will not express anything - and she has been waiting for twelve years. So let her explode, don’t come with me. I am not a husband to her now, but she is still a wife. I have changed, bust she has not changed.”
Buddha went alone. Of course she was furious, she started crying and weeping and screaming and saying things. And Buddha listened. She asked again and again, “If you loved me at all, why did you leave? Why did you go away? And without telling me. If you loved me at all, tell me this.” And Buddha said, “If I didn’t love you, why should I have come back?”