Chapter 22: Aloneness Is Ultimate
He said, “There is a story in it. When I go to the hill station, she looks horrible. But slowly, slowly after four, five days, she is not so horrible. Then after eight, ten days, I start seeing some beauty in her. The day I start seeing beauty in her is the day I escape, because that means enough is enough! I have lived away from the world too much, away from my woman; now even this horrible woman has started looking beautiful! That simply means I have starved myself too much. So that is the criterion: whatsoever I say - three weeks, four weeks - is not the point. The real criterion is: the day I see the woman is beautiful and I start fantasizing about her, then I pack up my things and I escape. I know the woman is horrible, and if I stay one or two days more, then there is going to be danger - I may fall in love with this horrible woman!”
Loneliness cannot create love. It creates need. Love is not a need. Then what is love? Love is luxury. It comes out of aloneness: when you are tremendously alone and happy and joyous and celebrating, and great energy goes on storing in you. You don’t need anybody. In that moment the energy is so much, you would like it to be shared - then you give. You give because you have so much, you give without asking anything in return - that is love.
So very few people attain to love, and those are the people who attain first to aloneness. And when you are alone, meditation is natural, simple, spontaneous. Then just sitting silently, doing nothing, and you are in meditation. You need not repeat a mantra, you need not chant any stupid sound. You simply sit, or you walk, or you do your things, and meditation is there like a climate surrounding you, like a white cloud surrounding you. You are suffused with the light, you are immersed in it, bathed in it, and that freshness goes on welling up in you. Now you start sharing. What else can you do?
When a song is born in your heart you have to sing it. And when love is born in your heart - love is a by-product of aloneness - you have to shower it. When the cloud is full of rain, it showers and when the flower is full of fragrance, it releases its fragrance to the winds. Unaddressed, the fragrance is released and the flower does not wait to ask “What is coming back to me in return?” The flower is happy that the winds have been kind enough to relieve him of a burden. This is real love - then there is no possessiveness. And this is real meditation - then there is no effort.
What has happened to you is something immensely valuable, just your interpretation is wrong.
You say, “After the tidal wave of events and with the memory of a profound experience, I face new aloneness.”
Please don’t call it aloneness, or if you call it aloneness then try to understand its nature.
“Efforts to share or escape into distractions have bad results.”
They are bound to have bad results - because it is aloneness, really aloneness. You will miss something if you escape from it. It is escaping from your own innermost treasure, it is escaping from your richness, from your own kingdom. The result will be disastrous. Don’t escape; dig deep into it, dive deep into it, forget all escaping. That’s what, you have been doing your whole life. This time, no! This time you have to go into it. This time you have to taste it in its totality. You have to become it, you have to see what it is, root and all. And once you have seen it and lived it, you will come out of it a totally new person - reborn.