Chapter 2: Waiting, Just Waiting
At times I feel like I can just silently sit and wait for eternity - and other times like sobbing with the futility of sitting outside a gate I cannot even see - frozen between action and inaction. Does one miss by demanding? Is impatience a lack of trust?
One misses only by demanding. Demanding means that will is still there: you would like to have things your own way, you are still deciding how things should be. Then naturally, if things are not like that impatience arises, and if the demands are not fulfilled.frustration, anger, rage. And if it goes on and on, sooner or later you lose interest. You start thinking, “This is impossible. All this talk about enlightenment, nirvana is impossible.” You start finding ways of escaping from it; of getting back into the world, into the meaningless trivia, the mundane, the mediocre; of getting occupied - at least one is occupied, one has no time to think that things are futile. Sitting and waiting, again and again the idea arises, “What are you doing here?” The door has not opened yet - not only that, but you don’t know whether the door exists or not. The door is there just in front of you, but because of the demanding mode of your mind you cannot see it. The demanding mode of the mind keeps you blind. The door opens only for those who are in a non-demanding mode. Demand means imposing your will on existence.
And existence is not willing for that. And it is good that it is not willing for it, otherwise just as you are neurotic, the whole would go neurotic. So many wills imposing themselves upon existence, and if existence were to yield to each and everybody’s desire.. Just think what would happen: the whole would start falling into parts. There would be so many contradictory demands on it that those demands would drive it mad. If existence is still sane the only reason is that nobody’s demands are ever fulfilled; nobody’s demand is ever even heard.
Prayers reach only when they are non-demanding. If there is even a hidden demand somewhere, that very demand makes the prayer so heavy that it cannot leave the earth. When there is no demand it is weightless, then it can rise; then the gravitation has no effect on it, then it can go to the highest, to the deepest core of existence.
Only that prayerfulness is heard which is nothing but jubilation, alleluia, for no particular reason. Only that prayerfulness is heard which is nothing but thanks.
And, remember, a mind which is entangled in thinking never comes to the point where thanking can happen. Thinking becomes a bar, a hindrance, to thanking. Either you can be thinking or you can be thanking - you cannot be both together. Thanking arises out of non-thinking, and a demanding mind cannot afford to be non-thinking. He has to think, he has to work out, he has a demand that has to be fulfilled - he is after it, he is chasing it, he is putting everything at stake. Existence is absolutely deaf to the prayers which demand, but existence is absolutely open to the prayerfulness which has no demand.