Chapter 9: Let-go Is My Only Approach
The moment you start grabbing, clinging to those beautiful glimpses, those moments, the moment your mind says, “Make it permanent. Now this is the thing that I have been always asking for, now don’t let it go,” you destroy it, you kill it. The glimpse disappears; it remains only a memory and it goes on fading far away. Soon you will not be able even to believe that it had existed. It will happen again only when you have forgotten again the constant desire for meaning, the constant desire for permanency, the constant desire that things should be according to you.
No, that is not the way of a sannyasin, Gayan. A sannyasin has no expectations from existence. He simply flows with the existence without any resistance. The sannyasin allows existence to have its own course; wherever it leads, the sannyasin is ready to go with it. The sannyasin has no destination, no goal as such. And then these glimpses will be coming more and more.
But you have to meditate on these glimpses - when they happen, how they happen, what makes them happen. And you will find a few essential things: you are relaxed when they happen, you are at rest when they happen, you have no desire when they happen, you are not greedy when they happen, you are not thinking of meaning, significance, value when they happen. There is the secret. Drop all these hindrances forever. Let life exist according to its own harmony; simply be a part in it, just a wave in the ocean. Don’t try to dominate the ocean; that very effort is an ego trip.
Meditate over Murphy’s maxim: If you don’t care where you are you ain’t lost.
And also: Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
Rejoice! And why be afraid of the “nowhere”? Everywhere is nowhere. Wherever you are it is nowhere. Existence is infinite, so you will always be in the nowhere. You have to accept it. Buddha calls it tathata - suchness. Such is the case: wherever you are it is nowhere, whoever you are you are a nobody.
Once these truths are accepted, life starts happening in a totally different way, because in this acceptance the ego dies. The ego can exist only through resistance, through fight, through struggle.
That’s what you have been doing, Gayan. But it is nothing special about you, that’s how the whole German mind is conditioned.
Gayan is a German - one hundred percent German. Once I wanted to choose her as one of my mediums, but I had to drop that idea at least for the time being for the simple reason that the German conditioning is very deep-rooted in her. She could not flow with my energy - unconsciously, she was not aware. She wanted to be a medium, she was immensely happy that I had called her; she was hoping that she would be chosen. She would have been chosen, but there was deep resistance, unconsciously. Consciously she was totally in my hands, but unconsciously she was trying to give my energy a certain shape, a certain pattern, a certain flow. Hence I thought it better to wait a little longer.
Gayan, you will have to drop your German conditioning. That conditioning is good if you want to become a soldier, but it is not good if you want to become a sannyasin. They are poles apart - they are just the opposite of each other. The sannyasin has to be utterly restful, relaxed, a resistanceless hollow bamboo - so he can become a flute for the divine lips, so a song can flow through him.