Chapter 55: Only the Unreal Dissolves
We never feel it. We go on saying “I.” The word “I” is used continuously - the most used word is “I” - but you have no feeling. What do you mean by I? When you say I, what do you mean? What is connoted through this word? What is expressed? I can make a gesture. Then I can say, “I mean this.” I can show my body - “I mean this.” But then it can be asked, “Do you mean your hand? Do you mean your leg? Do you mean your stomach?” Then I will have to deny, I will have to say no. Then the whole body will be denied. Then what do you mean when you say I? Do you mean your head? Deep down, whenever you say I, it is a very vague feeling, and the vague feeling is of your thoughts.
Established in feeling, cut from thoughts, face I-ness, and as you face it, you find that it exists not. It was only a useful word, a linguistic symbol - necessary, but not real. Even a Buddha has to use it, even after his enlightenment. It is just a linguistic device. But when a Buddha says I, he never means I, because there is no one.
When you face this I-ness it will disappear. Fear can grip you at this moment, you can be scared. And it happens to many who move in such techniques deeply that they become so afraid that they run out of it. So remember this: when you feel and face your I-ness you will be in the same situation as you will be when you die - the same. Because I is disappearing, and you feel death is occurring to you. You will have a sinking sensation, you will feel you are sinking down and down. And if you get afraid, you will come out again and you will cling to thoughts because those thoughts will be helpful. Those clouds will be there: you can cling to them, and then the fear will leave you.
Remember, this fear is very good, a very hopeful sign. It shows that now you are going deep - and death is the deepest point. If you can go into death you will become deathless, because one who goes into death cannot die. Then death is also just around; never in the center, just on the periphery. When I-ness disappears you are just like death. The old is no more and the new has come into being.
This consciousness which will come out is absolutely new, uncontaminated, young, virgin. The old is no more - and the old has not even touched it. That I-ness disappears, and you are in your pristine virginity, in your absolute freshness. The deepest layer of being has been touched.
So think of it in this way: thoughts, then below them I-ness, and thirdly:
Feel: my thought, I-ness, internal organs - me.
When thoughts have disappeared or you are not clinging to them - if they are passing it is none of your business, you are aloof and detached and unidentified, and the I-ness has disappeared - then you can look at the internal organs. These internal organs.. This is one of the deepest things. We know the outer organs. With hands I touch you, with eyes I see you - these are the outer organs.
The internal organs are those through which I feel my own being. The outer are for others. I know about you through the outer. How do I know about me? Even that I am - how do I know about it? Who gives me the sensation of my own being? There are internal organs. When thoughts have stopped and when I-ness is no more, only then, in that purity, in that clarity, can you see the internal organs.