Chapter 1: The Joy Comes from Finding
Your question seems to be just throwing responsibility on me. And I am a very irresponsible person. I have never lived responsibly. From my very childhood everybody has been telling me, “Be responsible.” But I have always said, “I enjoy being irresponsible so much that I don’t see the point, why I should be responsible. You enjoy being responsible - be responsible. I never say to you, ‘Be irresponsible.’ Why do you bother about me? If my irresponsibilities are going to lead me to hell I am perfectly willing to go there, because anyway I don’t want to live with your saints.
“I have lived with saints and I have lived with sinners, and I have seen that to be with sinners is far more colorful, far more pleasant, far more human. There is some song in it, some dance in it; there is laughter, there is life. To live with a saint is to live with a dead man, a corpse.”
Have you ever been in a room alone with a corpse? Can you sleep? Can you eat? Can you drink? Can you laugh? The corpse will not interfere in any way, but just the presence of the corpse in the room is enough to prevent you from living. Do you see the great principles involved there? The corpse is not doing anything, and yet you cannot eat - you will feel like throwing up. You cannot sing. The corpse is not preventing you, the corpse is not going to hear it, but just the idea of singing when the corpse is there..
Saints are dead people. The more dead they are, the more they are thought to be saintly. To live with them is simply sickening. It is nauseating. They are so inhuman about everything. They themselves live mechanically, robot-like, and they won’t allow anybody else to live differently. They will make you feel guilty for everything.
In Mahatma Gandhi’s ashram - and he was a great saint, mahatma means great saint - you could not smoke. I know smoking is silly, but what is wrong in being silly? And if one enjoys it, once in a while to be silly is perfectly human. It should be acceptable. You can tell the person, “It will harm your health, your life will be reduced by five years.” But if you don’t want to live that long, it is perfectly good - because what are you going to do with five years more? You will smoke more!
And it is not a healthy habit; but people who don’t smoke, they fall sick - and I have seen people who have been smoking continuously, chain-smokers, never falling sick. So all this is just guesswork. All that the smoker is doing is enjoying taking the smoke in and throwing it out. The smoke is warm, just like the mother’s milk, and the cigarette is exactly the mother’s nipple; he is again enjoying being a child.
A cigarette is just a way of enjoying one’s childhood again; that’s why a cigarette is so relaxing. When you are worried, tense, you start looking for a cigarette. It helps; it is human. It will look really odd to go to your mother now, and say, “ I am so tense and worried..” I think cigarettes are a good substitute. Don’t disturb these people; otherwise they will disturb women. Your mother may be dead - then you have to go to your wife, and she may be just mad at the idea that you have come with. She will think you are going nuts.