Chapter 72: Start Living in Insecurity
I have heard that a very famous, glamorous, Hollywood actress went to a studio for her photograph. The photograph had been taken the day before. The photographer presented the photograph to her, but she was annoyed, furious. She said, “What have you done? You have taken my photographs before and they were heavenly!” The photographer said to the actress, “Yes, but you have forgotten that I was twelve years younger when I took your photographs. I was twelve years younger, you forget that.”
We never look within at what is happening. If the photograph is not okay to you, something is wrong with the photographer. It is not that twelve years have passed and you are older - it is an inner process, the photographer is not concerned at all. But the photographer must have been a very wise man! He said, “You forget that I was twelve years younger then.”
Buddha’s love is totally different, but we don’t have any other word for it. The best that we have is love. But, if you can remember this, then the quality changes completely.
And note one thing, think about it deeply. If Buddha is your lover, will you be satisfied? You will not be. Because you will feel that it is cold, that there is no passion in it. You will feel that he loves you as he loves everyone - you are nothing special. You will feel that his love is not a gift - he is this way, that is why he is loving.
You will feel his love to be so natural that you will not be satisfied with it. Think inside. You cannot be satisfied with a love which is without hate. And you cannot be satisfied with a love which is with hate. This is the problem. Either way you will be unsatisfied. If love is with hate, you will be unsatisfied, always ill, because the hate part will disturb you. If love is without hate, you will feel that it is cold. And it is happening to Buddha so naturally that even if you were not there it would be happening - so it is nothing special for you. So your ego will feel unsatisfied. And it is my feeling that if you have a buddha or a non-buddha to choose as your lover, you will choose the non-buddha.because you can understand his language. The non-buddha is at least just like you. You will be fighting, you will be quarreling, the whole thing will be just a mess, a mad mess, but still you will choose a non-buddha. Because Buddha will be so high that you cannot understand the way that Buddha loves unless you rise.
With a non-buddha, with an ignorant person, you need not transform yourself. You can remain the same. He is not a challenge. Really just the contrary happens to lovers. When two lovers meet and fall in love, they both try to convince each other that they are very high. They bring out the best that is within them. They appear to be on the peak. But it takes much arduous effort! You cannot remain on this peak. So when you start settling down you come back down to the earth.