Chapter 19: Guilt, the Shadow of the Ego
Remain with the state that you are in - don’t try to avoid it. If you feel angry, feel angry. Remain with it. Because if you try to do something, you will suppress it. Remain with it; it will go by itself. Nobody can remain in anger forever. It is hell, so how can one remain in it?
By and by you will be able to see that it has nothing to do with anybody else - those are just excuses. You are angry with yourself. Deep down, whatsoever we are with others, we are with ourselves.
It isn’t the anger that predominates, it’s the fear.
They are the same. Fear is the feminine form of anger, anger is the male form of fear; these are the two alternatives.
For example, watch a dog when a bigger dog comes. He shows anger and at the same time he goes on wagging his tail - he is showing both anger and fear. He has not yet decided. He is not certain what the situation is - whether the other dog is really bigger than him. If he is bigger, then the dog will drop the anger and catch hold of the fear. If the other is just bogus, only looks bigger and is not really, he will stop wagging his tail and will become angry. He is catching hold of both alternatives; they are always there.
If you can be angry, you will be. If you cannot be angry then you will be afraid. For example, if you are angry with me, what can you do? You cannot do anything; fear will come. If you are angry against Veeresh you can fight and be nasty and things, but if you are angry with me you cannot do anything. So, impotent anger becomes fear - they are both the same.
This time do one thing: remain with them. It will be a little arduous, but let it be this time. When they go, they go. If they don’t go, you have to remain with them. If one can learn the knack of remaining with states, then sooner or later they will disappear on their own. That’s why sometimes you feel a melting. That is bound to happen, because no one can remain in fear for long. It is such a negative state; it becomes too much, one needs a holiday from it. One cannot remain in anger for long; one needs a break, a tea break.
And that’s how the spontaneous thing is happening. When it becomes too heavy, suddenly, automatically.. It is an inner mechanism. When something becomes too much the mind automatically moves away; it looks in some other direction. Suddenly the gloomy clouds are there no more - just the open sky, the sunlight. But that is going to be momentary. Again you are fresh, the holiday has helped you. Again you are ready to be angry, to be sad. You will fall in the same trap again.
But let it be so. By and by you will become aware of what is happening; why these moments come and go. Once you understand the mechanism you become master of it. Not that you start manipulating it. Just the very understanding is the mastery. Not that one starts mastering it; there is no need. One simply understands - and laughs.