Chapter 4: The Last Chance to Rebel
“Whatever I have achieved seems lost in a fog” - you are really blessed - “resolved together with my failures.” Many should feel jealous of you. To know that all has failed is the beginning of a new journey. To know that “All that I have achieved is lost” is the beginning of a new search for something that cannot be lost. When one is utterly disillusioned with the world and all its successes, only then does one become spiritual.
“Like smoke I feel, but through the smoke a tremendous sadness arises, like a sharp rock with a velvet covering.” It is bound to be so. When life has been lived through illusions and one day one suddenly feels all has been meaningless, useless - “I was chasing shadows” - a great sadness arises.
But I can see your perceptiveness. Sadness is there, but “with a velvet covering.” Yes, sadness is there because of the past, and the velvet covering is what is possible; it only becomes possible now. Out of all this confusion is sadness; but because of this confusion and its utterness, deep down a new stirring is happening. You may not be aware of it yet, but something is stirring, a new joy is arising behind the curtain of sadness - a joy of a new search, of a new adventure, of a new life, of a new way to be.
“Osho, I can’t perceive the end of it - or is there no end?” There is a beginning of the mind and there is an end of the mind, there is a beginning of the ego and there is an end of the ego, but there is no beginning to you and no end to you. And there is no beginning to the mystery of existence and no end to you. It is an ongoing process. Mysteries upon mysteries are waiting for you, hence the thrill and the ecstasy.
Feel ecstatic that there is no end to life, that when you have reached one peak, suddenly another peak starts giving you challenges - a higher one, a more arduous climb, a more dangerous reach. And when you have reached the other peak, there will be another peak, peaks upon peaks. It is an eternal Himalayas of life.
Just think of a point where you arrive, and now there is nothing else left. You will be utterly bored then; boredom will be your only fate! And life is not boredom, it is a dance. Life is not boredom, it is exultation, exuberance.
Many, many things are going to happen, and many, many things will always remain to happen. The mystery never ends, it cannot end. That’s why it is called a mystery, it cannot even be known. It will never become knowledge, that’s why it is called a mystery; something in it is eternally elusive. And that’s the whole joy of life. The great splendor of life is that it keeps you eternally engaged, searching, exploring. Life is exploration, life is adventure.
You ask, “Osho, I can’t perceive the end of it or is there no end?” There is an end to you, but there is no end to the real you.
“Is it ecstasy carrying the weight of impurity?” There is no impurity anywhere. All is pure. Impurity is just a shadow of the confusion that you are feeling right now. When the confusion and the confusing mind are dropped, the shadows will disappear of their own accord.