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Chapter 28: When Buddhas Rebel

I was first attracted to you through the mind. I loved what you had to say. It has been almost ten years since you gave me sannyas and I’m afraid I’m still connected through the mind.
In these years there have been but few instances when I have known the feelings of love, of trust, and openness. My mind usually comes in and ends these moments. I like to hide behind the words of the old Sufi song - “I love you whether I know it or not.” Do you see any possibility for me to jump from my mind into my heart and stay there? Is it possible for me to know love?

Nitin, your coming to me was from the very beginning not right. Those who come to me through their intellect only think they have come to me; they never arrive.

You were attracted because you were intellectually convinced of what I was saying.

You have never been in love with me, but only with the words, arguments. And the words and arguments are not my being. Because of this wrong beginning, ten years have passed, but you have not moved a single inch.

You think that there are moments of trust, love and openness; those are your imagination, because there are never moments of trust. When trust comes, it never goes. There are no moments of love - when love comes, it stays, forever and forever.

There are no moments of openness - and if you have known a single moment of openness, you will not close yourself again. Because closed, you are in darkness, cut off from existence and cut off from all that is valuable. For what should you close? You can remain closed if you have not known a moment of openness. Once you have tasted the moment of openness, it is impossible to go back.

So, the first thing you say is: “I was first attracted to you through the mind.” You are still attracted through the mind. And mind never creates any bridge; when you are attracted through the mind you are falling in love with your own mind. You are using me as a support for your own arguments, for your own philosophy, for your own religion, and you are deceiving yourself that you are falling in love with me.

Mind never falls in love; it is the deadly enemy of love. It is so egocentric that it will always take anything that is supportive to it, that is nourishment to it.

These ten years I have been watching you, and I have been really surprised. You are amongst so many lovers - you see their joy, you see their songs, you see their dance, you hear their laughter - but nothing stirs within you, because everything goes into your head. And the head is the most superficial thing in your being.

So it is not that “in the beginning” you were attracted through the mind; I am afraid even in the end you will remain attracted through the mind. It is good to be aware of it, because then a change is possible.

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