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Chapter 9: Three Pounds of Flax

“It is beautiful here,” replies Granny.

“How is Granddad?” asks Mrs. Zambini.

“He is very happy,” replies Granny.

There is the noise of wind and then Granny speaks again, “I must go now, darling.”

“Oh, Granny,” cries Mrs. Zambini, “I just have one more question.”

“Yes, darling, ask it,” replies Granny.

“Tell me,” asks Mrs. Zambini, “where the hell did you learn English?”

Father Murphy, Reverend Philpot and Rabbi Nussbaum are playing cards together and gambling in the back room of the pub. All of a sudden a policeman comes in and they are arrested.

In court the magistrate asks Father Murphy, “You are accused of gambling. What do you have to say?”

The old priest looks up to heaven, winks and prays silently, “Oh, God! Just one little white lie! I’ll never do it again. Okay?” He then announces to the magistrate, “Not guilty.”

“Okay,” says the magistrate, “you can go. And what about you, Reverend? What do you have to say?”

The clergyman looks piously to heaven and then bows his head in prayer, “Oh, God! Just one little white lie! I will never do it again,” and then says out loud, “Not guilty.”

“Very well,” says the magistrate, “you can go. Rabbi Nussbaum is next. You are accused of gambling,” says the magistrate. “What do you have to say?”

“Gambling?” asks the rabbi. “With whom?”

Newly-wed Barbara wants to make sure that she is doing everything properly. She goes to church and into the confession box, where Father Sullivan is sitting.

“Father,” asks Barbara, “is it all right to have intercourse just before communion?”

“Of course, my child,” replies the priest, “as long as we don’t make too much noise.”

Now, two minutes of silence.no movement. Let the body be absolutely still, like a statue, frozen.

Now, relax.

Now, come back.