Chapter 19: Guilt, the Shadow of the Ego
In fact for me there is nowhere to hide my head. You never leave any space for me - and whatsoever I say is going to be against me. And you come only when something is going wrong. Nobody comes to tell me that they are falling in love and to ask whether they should fall or not.
Yes, today I was aware that coming to you in a way was tiring you - with our problems..
No, that is not the point. I would have stopped you then and there, because whenever two fools fall in love, there is going to be trouble. And only fools fall in love, otherwise who bothers?
Now you decide [chuckling] - don’t throw it on me. I am also learning! Just go and decide, and whatsoever you decide to do, I bless! Right?
I’m a fool too.I’m in love. And this time I don’t want to sabotage it, and I’d like you to say something.
So don’t repeat the old pattern, that’s all. Be alert from the very beginning.. You know very well how you have been sabotaging your old relationships.
Take twenty-four hours and write down everything that you can remember of how you have been sabotaging - everything in detail. Look at it from every angle, and then don’t repeat it. It will become a meditation, and whether love remains or not is immaterial. If you can remain aware in it, that will be worth something.
You know well, everybody knows - because it is impossible not to know what you do in your relationships. In your saner moments you know well. In your insaner moments you forget - that I know. So before these insane moments come, decide, and keep that copy with you. Whenever something is coming, look into it.
One should become alert by and by, and then everything is beautiful. Love is tremendously beautiful - but it can become a hell. So first you pinpoint all these things, and then don’t do them. And you will feel very very happy; just being able not to do them you will feel a certain liberation. Those things are obsessive; they are like a neurosis, a sort of madness.
And whenever two people are in love they are there to be happy: nobody is there to be unhappy. And this is how everybody goes on being stupid. Sooner or later they start making each other unhappy, and then the whole point is lost - all dreams are shattered and again and again it becomes a wound.
Just try this time, mm? I will be watching.. Just continue. And very good - that you became aware from the very beginning is very good. It makes me happy.