Chapter 9: Not Two
Remember, the word accept is not very good. It is loaded - because of you, not because of the word - because you accept only when you feel helpless. You accept grudgingly, you accept half-heartedly. You accept only when you cannot do anything, but deep down you still wish. You would have been happy if it had been otherwise. You accept like a beggar, not like a king, and the difference is great.
If the wife leaves or the husband leaves, finally you come to accept it. What can be done? You weep and cry and many nights you brood and worry, and many nightmares around you and suffering. And then what to do? Time heals, not understanding. Time - and remember, time is needed only because you are not understanding, otherwise instant healing happens.
Time is needed because you are not understanding. So, by and by - six months, eight months, a year - things become dim, in the memory they are lost, covered with much dust. And a gap comes of one year; by and by you forget.
Still, sometimes the wound hurts. Sometimes a woman passes on the road and suddenly you remember. Some similarity, the way she walks, and the wife is remembered, and the wound. Then you fall in love with someone, then more dust gathers, then you remember less. But even with a new woman, sometimes the way she looks - and your wife. The way she sings in the bathroom, and the memory. And the wound is there, green.
It hurts because you carry the past. You carry everything, that’s why you are so much burdened. You carry everything! You were a child; the child is still there, you are carrying it. You were a young man; the young man is still there with all his wounds, experiences, stupidities - he is there. You carry your whole past, layers upon layers, everything is there. That’s why you sometimes regress.
If something happens and you feel helpless, you start crying like a child. You have regressed in time, the child has taken over. The child is more efficient in weeping than you, so the child comes in and takes over, you start crying and weeping. You can even start kicking just like a child in a tantrum - but everything is there.
Why is such a load carried? - because you never really accepted anything. Listen: if you accept anything it simply never becomes a load; then the wound is not carried. You accepted the phenomenon: there is nothing to carry from it, you are out of it. Through acceptance you are out of it. Through half-helpless acceptance it is carried.
Remember one thing: anything incomplete is carried by the mind forever and forever; anything complete is dropped -because mind has a tendency to carry the incomplete things in the hope that someday there may be an opportunity to complete them. You are still waiting for the wife to come, or for the husband, or you are still waiting for the days that have gone. You have not transcended the past.
And because of a too-much-loaded past, you cannot live in the present. Your present is a mess because of the past, and your future is also going to be the same, because the past will become more and more heavy. Every day it is becoming heavier and heavier.