Chapter 4: What Is the Way?
You were a child, and somebody had broken your toy, and you were crying; and your mother consoled you, diverted your mind somewhere - gave you some sweets, talked about something else, told you a story, diverted you - and you were going to cry and weep, and you forgot. That has remained incomplete; it is there, and any day whenever somebody snatches a toy from you - it may be any toy, it may be a girlfriend, and somebody snatches her - you start weeping and crying. And you can find the child there, incomplete. It may be a post: you are mayor of the town and somebody snatches the post, a toy, and you are crying and weeping again.
Find out.regress into the past, move through it again, because there is no other Way now; the past is there no more, so if something has remained hanging the only Way is to relive it in the mind, move backwards.
Every night make it a point to go backwards for one hour, fully alert, as if you are living the whole thing again. Many things will bubble up, many things will call your attention - so don’t be in a hurry, and don’t pay half-attention to anything and then move again because that will again create incompleteness. Whatsoever comes, give total attention to it. Live it again. And when I say live it again I mean live it again - not just remember, because when you remember a thing you are a detached observer; that won’t help. Relive it!
You are a child again. Don’t look as if you are standing apart and looking at a child as his toy is being snatched. No! Be the child. Not outside the child, inside the child - be again the child. Relive the moment: somebody snatches the toy, somebody destroys it, and you start crying - and cry! Your mother is trying to console you - go through the whole thing again, but now don’t be diverted by anything. Let the whole process be completed. When it is completed, suddenly you will feel your heart is less heavy; something has dropped.
You wanted to say something to your father; now he is dead, now there is no way to tell him. Or you wanted to ask his forgiveness for a certain thing you did which he didn’t like, but your ego came in and you couldn’t ask his forgiveness; now he is dead, now nothing can be done. What to do? - and it is there! It will go on and on and destroy all your relationships.
I am very much aware of that because to be a master is to be in a certain sense a father - it is to be many things but very importantly it is in a certain sense to be a father. When people come to me, if they are loaded with their relationship with their father, then it becomes very difficult to be related to me because I always feel their father comes in. If they have hated their father they will hate me, if they wanted to fight with their father, they will fight, if they love their father they will love me, if they respected their father they will respect me, if they respected him just superficially and deep down they had a disrespect, it will be the same with me - and the whole thing starts working.
If you are conscious, you can watch. Go back. Now your father is no more but for the eyes of the memory he is still there. Close your eyes; again be the child who has committed something, done something against the father, wants to be forgiven but cannot gather courage - now you can gather courage! You can say whatsoever you wanted to say, you can touch his feet again, or you can be angry and hit him - but be finished! Let the whole process be completed.