Chapter 8: This Is the Queen: Cleopatra
The first question:
I feel so much self-confidence that I will be enlightened very soon; but then I feel that I will be nice if my enlightenment is a little delayed because there seems to be greater joy in delaying enlightenment than in being enlightened.... Why?
Don’t feel so much confidence, otherwise it will be delayed forever. Self-confidence is not a quality for the inner journey, it is a barrier.
In the outer world self-confidence is a help, is a must. Without it you cannot go anywhere in the outside world, because ego is needed, a struggle is needed, a sort of madness is needed. But when you move to the inner, all the qualities that are helpful in the outer journey become obstacles. Self is not needed, self-confidence is not needed.
One should completely lose the self, only then is there a possibility of enlightenment. You never become enlightened. When you are not, there is enlightenment. That is the first thing to remember.
And the second is - how can you compare that which is better, enlightenment or waiting for it? The comparison is possible only when you have become enlightened. When you know both, then you can compare.
Don’t befool yourself. Don’t try to rationalize it. Because you have to wait, you are now trying to rationalize it, that there is much beauty, much happiness, bliss, in waiting. If in waiting there is much bliss, more bliss than in enlightenment, then those who attained it were fools. Buddha, Lao Tzu, Krishna, Jesus - stupid, all stupid! Then what is the point in trying to attain it?
No, you are trying to befool yourself. Nowhere does it seem to be coming nearer...and the mind is very cunning and very tricky; it says, Who is in a hurry? If it is not coming it is very beautiful; to wait is good, and very blissful!
Now you are trying to hide an impotency. This way, you can go on in circles. First, it is being delayed - and it will be delayed, it can be delayed for ever if too much self is there. It is delayed because of you! Not that there is any bliss in waiting - waiting is always a misery, waiting is always hanging in the middle, it is to be in limbo. Waiting is always tense, a suffering - otherwise who would want to reach? For what are you waiting? You are waiting to reach! Waiting cannot be beautiful - but you can try to console yourself.
Drop the self, and drop false consolations, because nobody else is fooled by it except yourself. You are not deceiving anybody, but you can deceive yourself, for eternity.