Chapter 10: That Witness Is You
Because it is you who is fighting through both your hands, there is no way of winning or of losing. There will never be a total victory, and there will never be a total defeat. One thing is certain: that in this struggle, in the fight between these two hands of yours, your energy will be diminished; it will go to waste and be exhausted. Anyone who follows this way will only miss the point. He will never win, nor will he ever lose completely - but he will always remain under the illusion that he could have won.
Let us try to understand this, because we have traveled on this path for life after life. That’s why we have neither won nor lost. The place where you are standing right now is not a place of victory or of defeat. If you had really lost, then at least you would have chosen some other path. But no, the defeat is also incomplete and so the hope for victory remains. And you have never really won either.
You fight anger, and for a moment it seems as if you are going to conquer it - but then the very next day you discover that the victory was merely imaginary: anger takes hold of you again. You fight sexual desire: for a moment it seems that you are victorious, but then again you are defeated.
Now really try to understand this process. When do you fight your sexual energy? When it is on the ebb, you feel as if you are winning - and after making love, your sexual energy is naturally at the ebb. It is the same after you have eaten a meal - when your hunger has gone, you feel that you could fast. There is nothing surprising in this; after eating, after satisfying your hunger, one usually fasts. But this won’t last much more than eight or ten hours, because hunger will return and you will find it difficult to continue fasting. On a full stomach a man can think of fasting - and even if he doesn’t do it himself, he can at least sing its praises. But it is difficult to do so on an empty stomach.
When you are full of sexual energy, you become full of desire. After you have made love and your sexual energy is spent, your hunger has been satisfied, you repent. And then you say to yourself, “What kind of useless act am I doing? Why am I wasting my life’s energy? What the hell is all this about? - it is behaving like an animal!” And then you begin to take vows of celibacy.
But such vows are false - because after some time, when your sexual energy has once again accumulated, you will find yourself breaking those vows. Once again a woman will appear very attractive, once again a man will begin to attract you, once again your mind will be full of sexual desire.
When your stomach is full you go to the other extreme - that of fasting, and when your stomach is empty you start dreaming of food. So you never win and you never lose. Sometimes you feel as if you are winning, and sometimes you feel that you have lost, but neither of these ever really happens.
What is the reason for this? The one who is fighting and the one he is fighting with are part and parcel of the same energy. Who is this person who is fighting sexual desire, who is fighting the senses, who is fighting sin, who is fighting with anger?
Understand this rightly: the one who is angry is the same person as the one who is fighting anger. In the morning he becomes angry, in the evening he struggles against anger - the very same person! You divide yourself into two parts.