Chapter 13: Ecstasy Is Knowing That Nobody Is Holding Your Hand
But you have been saying all these things every night. You are not saying a single new thing, but you are not aware of it. And at five o’clock when the alarm goes, you just press the button; and you are angry at the clock. You may throw the clock, turn over and say, “Such a cold morning, and this stupid alarm clock,” and you go back to sleep. You are just going for a few minutes. And this has been happening for years.
Every morning, “just for a few minutes,” you go back to sleep. When you wake up it is nine o’clock, and again you are repenting, sad, thinking, “How does it happen? I had decided to get up.” And you will do it again but you will never see that the personality that decided in the evening must have been a certain personality, and the personality that threw the clock away is a different personality. These are not one personality; they cannot be one personality.
The personality that was saying, “Tomorrow I am going to get up,” is no longer on top, is no longer on duty. Somebody else is on top and says, “Forget all about this nonsense,” and throws the clock and says, “Go to sleep. It is so cold out - are you stupid or something?” And it feels so warm and good to turn over, and after the disturbance of the clock it feels an even better sleep. And at nine o’clock when you wake up again you are sad. This is a different personality. It has not thrown the clock; it was not the personality who said to you, “Just for a few minutes.” And this personality decides, “Now, whatever happens, tomorrow morning I am going to get up.”
You will do this your whole life, and you will never be able to see a simple fact: you have many personalities, and each time a different personality is speaking, speaks differently, has different ideas.
Just watch it; just watching it is such a great joy, such a great drama that one need not go to any movie. You can simply close your eyes and see the movie that continues there, with so many actors and so many actresses, everything is there that is needed: raw footage, unedited.
But before you can come to know yourself you have to be yourself. You have to drop all these personalities like clothes and you have to come to your utter nudity.
The beginning starts from there, and then the second thing is very simple. The whole problem is with the first thing; the second thing is very simple. When personalities have gone, the crowd has left you, you are alone, close your eyes; you will see who you are, because there is nobody else. There is only awareness of immense silence, of no object.
You will not meet any God there or any soul there or any angel there - all that is fiction. If you meet somebody, remember that you are again hallucinating. If you meet Jesus, throw him out! If you meet Krishna, tell him, “Get out. This is no place for you people, just leave me alone.” Only Buddha had the courage to say, “If you meet me on the way, cut off my head immediately.”
You have to cut off the head of the Buddha; otherwise you will not be alone - and without being alone how can you know yourself? In aloneness, suddenly out of nowhere, comes the fragrance called enlightenment. You become illuminated, for the first time full of light, all darkness dispersed.