Chapter 8: The Irrational Rationalist
I myself was an atheist - and I was stubbornly atheist. I was thrown out of one college just because of that, expelled, because the professor said, “It is impossible to teach this boy!” My no was so big that even for ordinary, small things I would not say yes. If the teacher asked me, “Can’t you see these walls?” I would say, “I can see them, but I don’t know whether they are or they are not, because in dreams I see walls and they are not.” And he would ask, “Can’t you see I am standing here?” I would say, “I see you, but I cannot trust whether you are there or not because once I saw you in my dream and in the morning I found you were not there.”
He got very puzzled and confused, and I confused him so much that after eight months of effort he simply resigned from the college. He said, “I cannot come. This boy is going to drive me crazy. Either he has to be expelled or I have to be relieved of my duties.” Of course, I was expelled from the college. I had not done anything wrong, but I enjoyed no-saying tremendously. I loved it.
Then, of course, naturally I grew out of it, because the purpose was fulfilled. Then I became a theist. But one day I found even the purpose of yes-saying was fulfilled. I am now neither: I am neither an atheist nor a theist. I am simply here, without any yes, without any no. I am tremendously silent. I don’t divide into this and that, into yes and no, into for and against.
That why I say Dr. Kovoor must be suffering from senility and still he is a juvenile. He has become stuck at the age of fourteen. His physical age must be eighty, but his psychological age cannot be more than fourteen.
And I say it from my own experience. I have passed through these phases. His psychological age cannot be more than fourteen. And that’s how things are: many people never grow beyond the fourteenth year. They remain adolescent, juvenile. Somehow it happens that by the time you become sexually mature, whatsoever is in your mind becomes fixed, becomes imprinted deeply. Fourteen is the age when you become sexually mature. Ordinarily what happens is that you become stuck there. Whatsoever your ideology, you become stuck with it; then you don’t change. If you are a Hindu, you become a Hindu and you remain a Hindu. It is good to be born as a Hindu, but to die as a Hindu is ugly. It is good to be born as a Christian, but to die as a Christian? That means your whole life has been a wastage. One should grow out of all confinements - theistic, atheistic.
Dr. Kovoor is not a rationalist, otherwise he would have grown up. Irrationalism has two alternatives: theism, atheism. A rationalist can only be an agnostic - like Nagarjuna, Buddha, Socrates. They don’t say anything about God; they keep quiet. If you ask Buddha, “Does God exist?” he keeps quiet, he does not answer, because to say yes is wrong, to say no is wrong. The question is so vast it cannot be contained in either yes or no. God means the whole existence. How can you deny and how can you affirm?
Dr. Kovoor must be having a very childish concept of God - a great king, emperor of the world, sitting somewhere in heaven on a high golden throne, ruling from there. This is stupid, the very idea is stupid, and he has been fighting against this stupid idea. When the idea itself is stupid, your fight is meaningless. And he has been fighting with dummies, and by fighting with dummies he has become well-known and is thought to be a great rationalist. He is not, nothing of the sort, not a rationalist at all.