Chapter 10: The Only Romance That Knows No Divorce
Naturally, they start from the very beginning. The mother goes on saying, “He is your daddy, smile!” as if these things can be ordered. Smile.and the poor child has to smile. Now what is there in this dodo you call daddy that the poor child has to smile? And the poor child does not understand what this fellow has done that he has to smile. But he has to smile; that smile becomes, naturally, a Jimmy Carter smile, absolutely false. The child starts becoming a politician; he smiles because he knows that way he is appreciated, thought to be a beautiful child. If he does not smile, he is thought to be unworthy, and nobody wants to be condemned as unworthy. That’s how, slowly, the child starts learning false things: false smiles, false love, false respect.
In a more conscious and authentic world, the husband and the wife should first learn how to remain independent and yet allow love to pass through. They should not come too close. Kahlil Gibran is right when he says to the lovers, “You should stand like the pillars of a temple - far apart, yet supporting the same roof.” Your love should be supported by you, but you should leave enough gap for each to have his own individual territory, his own individual space, his own individuality.
You should not trespass on each other. But what to say of trespassing? Husbands and wives become detectives, FBI agents - against each other. They are continuously looking out of the corners of their eyes: What is happening? This is not love. This is domination; this is pure animal sexuality. A child is born out of this situation, and unfortunately has to be brought up by these people. They themselves don’t know what love is; they missed the train. Now they will train the child to miss the train. And this goes on from generation to generation.
Just the other day, there was a question from Veena - how to open the heart? It is just like somebody asking how to open the eyes. If you were forced from the very beginning and ordered to open the eyes, perhaps you would have retaliated by closing them. That would have been your assertiveness, your individuality, and you may have forgotten completely how to open the eyes. Now, do you think there can be some training to open the heart, some discipline, some technique? That will be another mistake. You can pretend that your heart is open. That’s all that will happen by your discipline and training and technique.
What is needed is a deep understanding of why the heart is closed. There is no need to be worried about opening it. Just knowing why it is closed, you will come upon all those fears that have closed it. Now those fears are not there, but once you have closed the doors and the windows, they have remained closed.
Now nobody is forcing you; now you are grown up enough. You can assert yourself; you can be an individual. You can say to your father, “If you are lovable, I will love, but not because you are my father.” You can say to your mother, “Create the quality of lovableness and I will love you - not only I, but others also will love you - but not because you are my mother.”
Love is not a rational thing. It is not a syllogism: she is your mother; hence you have to love her. Wherever any kind of compulsoriness comes in, love is very delicate and disappears.
Everybody is much more worthy than he can even dream of, to receive love, to share love, to rejoice in making love your very life.
Birth is not in your hands, neither is death in your hands. Between birth and death only one thing is in your hands, and that is love. And unfortunately, that which was your only freedom is not available to everybody.