Chapter 15: Kiss or Kill
When the first leaves come out of a seed above the earth you cannot be certain what kind of flowers will follow, but you can be certain that something has started growing, something is on the way. That’s the state of the disciple: he can feel in himself something has started. It is like when the child in the mother’s womb is six weeks, eight weeks old, and one day she starts feeling the new life. She cannot be certain whether it is a boy or a girl, who is going to be born - an Albert Einstein, a Gautam Buddha - what is going to be his potential or her potential, whether the child will be beautiful or ugly, whether the child will be born alive or dead; even of that she cannot be certain. But she starts feeling the presence of a new life in her, and not only that, she starts feeling certain things that the new life starts triggering in her.
Sometimes a mother becomes sad for no reason at all and she wonders why she is sad. The reason is, the new life inside is sad and that affects, that creates a shadow, and the mother is bound to be affected by that shadow. Sometimes she becomes cheerful without any reason. The new life within her womb is in a cheerful mood. But she is not capable of making a distinction - what is what, what belongs to her and what belongs to the new life.
That is the state of the disciple. The disciple is exactly in the womb of the master. Many times you suddenly feel a tremendous wave of energy arising in you. You don’t know from where it comes - from you, from the master, from the field, from the other fellow-travelers. From where it comes you are not absolutely certain, but it is coming - sometimes a wave of joy and sometimes a wave of sadness. Sometimes you feel very calm and quiet and sometimes very excited and ecstatic. And you become aware about one thing certainly: that you are not alone, that things which don’t belong to you have started penetrating you. The beyond has started communicating with you but it is all vague - it is bound to be so.
Hence the need of trust - otherwise, there will be no need to trust. Trust is needed because in this vague state, if you cannot trust you cannot move ahead. If you doubt, you will shrink back. Doubt disconnects, trust connects. If you can trust, the mist will disappear, the sun will start shining, you will come closer to the master. If you doubt you will create a distance. Doubt creates distance, trust destroys distance.
But if you mean by recognition absolute knowing, then it can happen only when you are enlightened.
That is why even men like Sariputra, Mahakashyapa or Moggalayan, the great disciples of Buddha, when they became enlightened still remained disciples. Again and again they were asked, “Now you are enlightened - why are you yet a disciple? You are a master on your own!”
This is a strange thing that happens: the ego wants to be a master as quickly as possible, the ego wants to be on its own. It hurts to be a disciple.
Just a few days ago a sannyasin has written to me, “I am going to the West. How do I behave there? - because I cannot say to anybody that you are my master, that I am somebody’s disciple. That I cannot say.”
Why can’t he say that he is a disciple if he is a disciple? And if you cannot even say to others that you have a master and you are a disciple, then forget all about it. You are not a disciple, you don’t have a master! Either you have or you don’t have. Forget all about sannyas!