Chapter 9: You Have My Marrow
Because of these wrong and foolish teachings, you are constantly in conflict within yourself. Because of these foolish teachings you love a woman and you also feel guilty because you love her - because somehow it looks like a sin. You love a woman and you hate her also because she is the cause of your sin. Of course you will take revenge. How can you forgive the woman who has drawn you into the mud, as the religious people say? How can you forgive her?
Listen to your saints: nobody seems to have forgiven the woman. Even after they have become great saints they go on taking revenge. Still, somewhere deep in the unconscious, the woman is lingering. They are still afraid. Then there is a constant fight, a quarrel, even in love - so what to say of other things?
Love is closest to godliness because in love you fall in tune with another being; in love you are no more a solitary instrument. A small symphony is created between two persons. Then the children are born and the symphony has more members. It is becoming an orchestra: children, family, friends. You are no longer alone, you have become part of something bigger than you. And this has to go on growing so that one day the whole existence is your family. That is the meaning when Jesus says, “God, my father.” His actual word is not father, his actual word is abba; it is closer. Father also looks a little clinical, smells of institutionalization. Abba, bapu - they are so close, so intimate. A bridge has happened, godliness is not a faraway thing: “God is abba and I am his son. I am his continuity. If he is my past, I am his future. That is the meaning of a son: the same river flows.
If you go on growing in your sensitivity, a moment comes when your family grows and the whole existence becomes your home. Right now, even your home is not your home; even in your home you are not at home.
I have heard of an anecdote:
In some of the more remote sections of Tennessee there are still a few counties without any telephone. The Tennessee State Forest Service recently installed a telephone in one of these counties and linesmen tried to get a native to converse with his wife, then in a small town some thirty miles distant.
After much persuasion, Uncle Joe put the receiver to his ear. Just at that moment, there was a terrific thunderclap and the old man was knocked to his knees.
As he climbed to his feet, he turned and said, “That’s her all right. That sure is my old woman.”
Even in your home you are not at home. The very word wife creates some uneasiness in you, the very word husband creates some uneasiness in you. In Urdu, the word for husband is kasam. It also means “the enemy.” The original root from where it comes is Arabic. In Arabic kasam means “the enemy” and in Urdu it means “the husband.” Both are true, both are the meanings of the same word.