Chapter 9: I Am a River Continuously Flowing
It seems perhaps you came here because of Krishna Chetana, your wife; and also perhaps because in those days I was speaking on Hindu scriptures, and they were very gratifying to your mind, your conditioning, your upbringing. But my river has been changing many times, many turns, passing through valleys and mountains - and always moving into new territory.
So I have been watching your face many times here. When Krishna Chetana had tears in her eyes, you had only doubts. When she was crying with joy, ecstasy, your mind was full of questions, doubts.. And it is not as you say that “for some time I have felt that something has remained unmelted in me.” It has been so from the very beginning - and you knew it; perhaps not very clearly, perhaps it was just an unconscious feeling. Now you may have become more alert about it.
And the reason why you may have become more alert about it is that there has been a five, six-year gap, while I have not been here. In these five, six years, hundreds of people from India reached the commune in America - even people for whom it was absolutely impossible to reach; they had to sell their houses, their land, everything. But they wanted to see me at least once before they die.
I waited for five years, and many times I thought: Krishna Chaitanya, Krishna Chetana.they are rich enough; they can afford to come to America very easily - there is no problem - they can be here at each festival time at least. But I did not receive even a single letter from you.
Now that I am back.many things which you cannot see when you are close, you become aware of when there is distance. You were left alone for these six years; that’s why you are now feeling that something has remained unmelted. It is not “something,” it is almost everything that has remained unmelted.
You are saying, “And at times I am overpowered by that, despite myself.” Just think of it: if it is just a small part - “something” - how you can be overpowered by it, in spite of yourself? It must be something very big. It must be something more powerful than yourself - otherwise how can you be overcome by it? It is better to be very clear about it: that your sannyas has been very superficial. It is good to be alert and aware of its superficiality. Then the possibility opens of going deeper into it. Remaining unaware of it is dangerous.
You are saying, “I am not able to digest what you say.” You are perfectly able to digest what I say, because your digestion system is perfectly okay. The problem is somewhere else: you do not want to digest it. It goes against your upbringing, it goes against your tradition, it goes against your orthodox mind. You can digest very well if I appreciate Krishna - but if I criticize him, then you cannot digest it. For digestion, it makes no difference: if it can digest appreciation, it can digest criticism.