Chapter 9: There’s No God till You’ve Met Him
Even when you rebel against your parents, you go far away from your parents, a deep guilt goes on lurking in your heart. And through that guilt your parents go on remaining great influences on you - maybe in a negative way. Maybe your mother used to say, “Cleanliness is next to God” - and now you are living as dirtily as possible, and you have to live this way because you are rebelling against your mother. But this is not rebellion, this is simply reaction. Your mother is still immensely powerful over you; she is still deciding your lifestyle. Your dirtiness, your lousiness.she is still in control.
If you remain clean and you believe in your mother’s idea then she dominates you positively. If you go against her and start remaining unclean, again your mother is dominating you, in a negative way. And you can find a thousand and one reasons for it, but those will not be really reasons - they will only be rationalizations.
You can say, “Using soap hurts the skin. Using soap is unnatural - no animal uses it, and I am a natural being. Cleaning your teeth is not right because no animal does it. Too much cleaning of the teeth, and the toothpaste and the toothbrush, destroy the teeth.”
You can find rationalizations - but if you look deep down in the unconscious, you will simply see it is your mother still telling you, “Clean your teeth! And unless you clean your teeth you will not be given your breakfast.” And you are crying and cleaning your teeth.
That scene is still there somewhere in your unconscious. You may have become very educated, sophisticated, and you may talk great philosophy - but that is all rubbish. If you look deep down, it is only a reaction. Your mother remains immensely powerful over you, so does your father.
Now, you must have been very much dependent on your parents. This is a reaction: now you are afraid of falling in love, you are afraid of communing. You are constantly afraid that if you come very close to somebody you may disappear. You are not certain about yourself, you don’t trust yourself. You don’t know that your innermost core is always independent, that there is no way to take it.
But you are not aware of your inner core, you are aware only of your personality. And your personality is created by your parents, and it is rooted in phobia - in fear. And, certainly, out of fear a man can only die but cannot live.
Hence millions of people’s lives are nothing but slow suicide. They slowly slowly die. They never live - because wherever life comes on their way they are afraid to lose themselves. They are not yet in such trust about their being that they can take the jump, that they can plunge into life and yet be able to come back - they are not certain about it. They cannot dive deep into any experience because - who knows? - they may not be able to come back.
This is living your life out of fear. And when you live out of fear, you start thinking that everybody else is living out of fear - you project it on others too.
That’s why these beautiful people who are around me, you misunderstood them. They are not dependent on me. Sannyas is rebellion - it is not reaction, it is rebellion. It is living with a new understanding; it is living with your inner light.