Chapter 6: It Is All in Your Head
So for the first time you will feel everything getting better and better and better. Next time you come, the poison has started working, it has entered into your very guts - the ego starts dying. Then you understand me more. You listen to me rightly. Then you understand what the game is - the ego has to be dropped. Then you are no more so confident, then you don’t feel so strong. Then you are not so excited. Then you start shrinking because the ego starts shrinking. Then you feel weak. It is natural and good. It indicates growth.
When Nagarjuna comes for the third time, I hope he will become even more capable, more receptive. Then again he will feel a new confidence arising, but this will not be of the ego any more. It will be of his being.
You cannot call it confidence. The best way to say it is to say that there will be an absence of no-confidence. You cannot say that he will feel strong. The only way to say it is that he will not feel weak. You cannot say that he will feel more knowledgeable. You can only say that he will not feel that he lacks anything, or he needs anything. Not that there will be knowledge - there will be knowing. Not that there will be confidence - because all confidence is based somewhere on fear. There will be no confidence, no no-confidence. One will simply be there, just there, with no idea.
In Zen they call these three steps. Bokuju is reported to have said, “When I came to my master, rivers were like rivers and mountains were like mountains. Then everything got confused. I lived with my master and rivers were no more rivers and mountains were no more mountains. Everything was confusing, everything got entangled into each other, everything trespassed each other’s boundary, everything became a mess. But I remained. Again one day rivers became rivers, mountains became mountains. But what a difference!”
Again one day you will become the same as you were before, and yet not the same. It will be a totally different phenomenon in a way.
For example, a person who feels very strong must be aware somewhere deep down that he is weak. Otherwise who will feel strong? A person who feels that he is confident must be alert at some level of his being that he lacks confidence. Otherwise who bothers about confidence? A person who feels superior must have some inferiority somewhere.
We always project the contrary. Our projections are complementary. Whatsoever is lacking, we project. An ignorant person becomes knowledgeable, an egoistic person becomes humble, a person who feels inferiority starts projecting superiority in some way or other. Because it is so difficult to live with inferiority, with no confidence, with weakness, we project the other. We project something opposite, and we pretend, and we start believing in it.
But when some day one comes really home, becomes aware, then there is no inferiority, no superiority - and that is real superiority. Then there is no strength and no weakness - and that is real strength. Then there is no ignorance and no knowledge - and that is real knowing.