Chapter 69: You Are Unknown to Yourself
But even love has become impossible. Even with your wife you cannot tell the truth. Even with your lover you cannot be totally authentic, because even his or her eyes are judging. He or she also wants an image to be followed, an ideal - your reality is not important, the ideal is important. You know that if you express your totality you will be rejected, you will not be loved. You are afraid, and because of this fear love becomes impossible. Psychoanalysis brings the hidden part out, but the psychoanalyst is not doing anything, he is simply sitting there listening to you. No one has listened to you it seems. That is why you now need professional help. No one is ready to listen to you. No one has the time. No one has much interest in you. So professional help has come into being - you are paying someone to listen. And then year in, year out, he will listen to you every day, or twice a week, or thrice a week, and you will be healed. This is miraculous! Why should you be healed just by listening? It is because someone pays attention to you without any judgment and you can tell anything that is in you. And just by telling, it comes up and becomes a part of the conscious. When you cut off something, deny something, prohibit something, suppress something, you are creating a division between the conscious and the unconscious, the accepted and the rejected. This division has to be thrown.
Mahavira moved into aloneness so that he could be as he was with no fear of anybody. Because he didn’t have to show a face to anybody he could throw away all the masks, all the faces. Then he could be alone, totally naked, as he is under the stars, by the river and in the forest. No one would judge him and no one would say, “You are not allowed to be like this. You should behave. You should be like this.” Leaving society means leaving the situation where suppression has become inevitable. So nudity means to be as one is, with no barriers, no withholding. Mahavira moved into silence, into loneliness, and he said, “Unless I find myself - not the self that others have given to me, that is false, but the self that I am born with - I will not return to society. Unless I know who I am I will not return to society. Unless I have come directly face to face with my reality, unless I have encountered the essential in men, not the accidental, I will not speak, because it is useless to speak.”
You are the accidental. Whatsoever you think you are is the accidental part. For example, you are born in India. You could have been born in England or in France or in Japan. That is the accidental part. But just by being born in India, you have a different identity. You are a Hindu. You think yourself a Hindu - but you would have thought yourself a Buddhist in Japan, or a Christian in England, or a communist in Russia. You have not done anything to be a Hindu, it is just an accident. Wherever you were you would have joined yourself with the situation. You think yourself religious but your religion is just accidental. ‘If you have been born in a communist country, you would not have been religious, you would have been as irreligious there as you are religious here. You are born into a Jaina family so you don’t believe in God without your having discovered that there is no God. But just by the side of your house another child is born on the same day, and he is a Hindu. He believes in God and you don’t. This is accidental, it is not essential. It depends on circumstances. You speak Hindi, someone speaks Gujarati, someone speaks French - these are accidents. Language is accidental. Silence is essential; language is accidental. Your soul is essential; your self is accidental. And to find the essential is the search, the only search.
How to find the essential? Buddha moved in silence for six years. Jesus also moved into a deep forest. His followers, the apostles wanted to go with him. They followed him and at a certain moment, at a certain point, he said, “Stop. You should not come with me. Now I must be alone with my God.” He moved into the wilderness. When he came back he was a totally different man; he had faced himself.