Chapter 10: Making a Nuisance
Many come to me and they say, “How to love?” It is not a question of how, and when you ask how you are trying to manipulate. You would like to remain in control, so whenever you want you can push the button on or off. You would like to remain the master of the whole thing.
But nobody can be in possession of love. Love possesses you, you cannot possess it. Love controls you, you cannot control it. Love means you are no longer there, something else has come. That’s why love is so rejuvenating. Even if an old man falls in love, suddenly you will see that his face has become younger, his eyes are no longer old; his body may be old, but his total being suddenly becomes young. Why does it happen? - for this very reason: you can allow a let-go; you move to the original source of energy where rebirth is possible. You touch the deathless core. You only touch the deathless core when you are ready to die, that is the paradox. You touch the deepest core when you are ready to die. If you cling to the surface and you are afraid, afraid to let go, then you remain on the surface, and the surface is the body.
People who are afraid of love are not afraid of sex. Love is dangerous; sex is not dangerous, it can be manipulated. There are now many manuals on how to do it. You can manipulate it - sex can become a technique. Love can never become a technique. If in sex you try to remain in control, then even sex will not help to reach the ultimate. It will go to a certain point and you will drop back, because somewhere it also needs a let-go.
That’s why orgasm is becoming more and more difficult. Ejaculation is not orgasm, to give birth to children is not orgasmic. Orgasm is the involvement of the total body: mind, body, soul, all together. You vibrate, your whole being vibrates, from the toes to the head. You are no longer in control; existence has taken possession of you and you don’t know who you are. It is like a madness, it is like a sleep, it is like meditation, it is like death.
So even in sex you let go up to a point, but you don’t allow totality, because if you allow totality then the ego cannot exist. And this is the problem: you are afraid of death because you are not capable of living totally.
Love, meditation, sleep - nothing is total. In your activity also you are not total, because if you were total, there too a moment would come when you would be lost. Losing yourself has become the problem; you cannot lose yourself, you cannot relax - you have to do something. You go into the garden and dig a hole, but you are not total. If you really were total while digging the hole you would forget yourself completely; the self-consciousness would disappear.
You are self-conscious but not conscious of your self; you are aware but there is an ego. You are aware of the total - the trees, the sun’s rays, the breezes blowing, the birds singing, your activity, the digging of the hole, the mud coming out - you are aware of everything except your self. If you became conscious of your self, in that moment an orgasmic feeling would happen. It is like deep love, it is like sleep, it is like death. You will come out of it totally different and new.