Chapter 7: A Question of Living
Your ego is a patchwork: all the opinions that have been expressed about you, good and bad, favorable, unfavorable, are collected there. Out of these ideas you have created a kind of person in your mind, an image: “Who am I?” This image is very hotchpotch; that’s why your life remains a chaos, a mess. And because this image has come from the outside, from people who don’t know your center - can’t know our center, because even you don’t know your center, how can they? it is always something which is opposite to your real center - you become two persons instead of one. You become a duality. You are something and you believe yourself to be something else. You do one thing; you think you are doing it because of this motivation, but there is some other motivation of which you are completely unaware. You can never become integrated. You will go on becoming more and more schizophrenic.
I have heard.
There is a story about a spinster who had a habit of checking under the bed to see if it was safe to go to sleep. For years she went through this ritual of checking to make sure nobody was hiding there. After many years of doing this, one day she looked and, lo and behold, there was a man hiding under her bed.
She screamed from excitement and said, “So finally you are here!”
On the surface you are one thing, in the depths just the opposite. On the surface you may be a saint, in the depths a sinner. On the surface you may be very moral and deep down you may be carrying all kinds of immoral desires. On the surface you may look always very happy, smiling, and deep down you may be just despair and nothing else.
This distance goes on growing and becomes bigger and bigger as you grow in life and in experience. By the time you die you don’t die as one man, you die as a crowd. The child is born as a single individual, but by the time he is eighty and ready to die, certainly he will be two persons. More possibility is that he will be more than two - three, four, five, six, ten - nobody knows. He can be a crowd.
You just watch yourself and you will not find a single self in you but many selves. You are multipsychic, you have many minds, and each mind is fighting with your other minds. There is great competition inside, continuous quarrel. And in that quarrel, in that conflict, you are dissipating energy; and when you dissipate energy in constant civil war you lose zest for life. You lose all possibilities to be ecstatic, you lose joy.
William Blake is right when he says, “Energy is delight.” That’s a very profound statement. Yes, energy is delight, and the greater the energy you have the greater will be your delight. It is energy that becomes delight; overflowing energy is delight, overflowing energy becomes celebration. When the energy is dancing in you, in unison, in a deep harmony, in rhythm and flow, you become a blessing to the world.
But how can it happen if you are continuously fighting and your whole energy goes into fight? And nobody is going to win, because all those selves are false. Only the true can win. Only truth is ever victorious, lies can never win; yes, small battles maybe - one lie can win upon another lie - but the ultimate war can never be won by any lie. It is won only by the truth. But we go on choosing this lie and that lie, and we never move towards the truth.