Chapter 8: The Tender Trap
If you want to start it and end it according to you, then it will not be love. It will be something plastic, synthetic.
“How to know when it is appropriate to end a love relationship?
How can one go deep with a person when he is afraid?”
That’s his problem that he is afraid. You need not be worried about it. Never ask about problems which are not yours.
Now, if you choose a person who is afraid, that simply means you have some problem deep down, that’s why you choose a person who is afraid. Maybe you are afraid and you don’t want to go with a courageous person, because then he will take you into unknown territories. So you manage a relationship.
Remember: only relationships can be managed. You manage a relationship with a coward. You know that he will not go very far; you know that “He is more of a coward than me.” You know that he will become a hen-pecked husband, that “He will follow me like a shadow.” Now this is a problem, a dilemma.
Nobody, not even the wife, loves the hen-pecked husband, cannot - because love always longs for something great. Love always longs for the divine. Now the hen-pecked husband looks so ugly, so unloving, unworthy of love. Even the wife cannot love him.
A woman who is just a slave to you, how can you love her? Love happens amongst friends, not between masters and slaves. You cannot love a woman who is a slave. You can order her, but you cannot love her; you can use her but you cannot love her. It will be a kind of prostitution, it cannot be love. One loves only equals.
So, Mantra, I don’t know about whom you are asking, but that is his problem. He should come to me; he can inquire. But one thing is certain about you: if you fall with a man who is afraid of going into depth, then really you are afraid of going into depth - that’s why you have chosen the man.
We always choose the person according to our innermost characteristics. We always fall in love with a person because our mind only allows that.
I have heard about a man who divorced eight times, and again and again was surprised that he always found the same type of woman. And eight times he tried - he tried hard! What more can you do? After each one or two years, he divorced the woman, started looking, and was very alert that he should never fall in the same trap, but again, after six months, eight months, he would find a woman.. For a few days things would go okay.and then the same rut, and he would see that he had again found the same type of woman.
After eight marriages he became aware of the fact that “The real problem is with my type. Only these women appeal to me, and unless I change my type, just changing the woman is not going to help.”