Chapter 39: The Journey from Despair
A man who has not attained to his real being is barren: a tree without leaves, without flowers, a tree on which even birds don’t make their nests, a tree where birds don’t sing their songs. And when the sun rises, it is not a beautiful experience for the tree. In fact, in the sunlight the despair becomes deeper. The tree wants to be lost in darkness where she can forget the leaves and the flowers and the fruits, and the birds and their songs, and the whole of life.
Unless one becomes enlightened, somehow or other one is going to remain in despair.
It is good that you have realized just in the small time of two-and-a-half years. There are people who have not realized in thousands of lives. But your conclusion is wrong. You are still believing that what has happened - the ecstasy and the joy - was real. If it was real it would have stayed.
Reality never dies, only dreams know death.
Reality is eternal.
So it is good, in a way, that you are finished with your imagination. Now, start from scratch.
Why should you be negative? Look deep into it. Why are you negative? What is the negativity? What is the cause?
Life has given you so much. It has given you life, which cannot be purchased, which is invaluable. It has given you the capacity to love. It has given you the capacity to grow in consciousness. it has made available the whole opportunity to become enlightened one day. And you are full of negativity! Against whom? For what?
You should be full of gratefulness.
Have you ever thought, do you deserve life? What have you done to deserve it?
Do you deserve love? What have you done to deserve it?
Do you deserve enlightenment?
You deserve nothing. It is all a gift from existence. Out of abundance existence goes on giving to you - and you are negative. Existence goes on giving things to you, but because of your negativity you don’t receive them. You are not available, you are closed.
Just try to look at your negativity. Try to understand, see the foolishness of it.
Don’t force yourself to be positive, that is not the right way; the negativity will remain repressed. Go deep into your negativity and find that there is no reason to be negative. And the moment you have found there is no reason to be negative, negativity disappears; and what remains is positivity.
Positivity is not something to be imposed.
Negativity has to be understood. In that understanding is its disappearance, its death. And when that corpse of negativity is no longer there occupying you, a silence, a deep yes - not for any belief, religion, but for the sheer joy existence makes available to you - arises. Not with any effort - you just see it arising in you.