Chapter 10: Just Enjoying Yourself
You are mounted on two horses. You want a person like a thing, which is impossible. A person has to be free and alive, and only then can you love him. But then you find it difficult, you start possessing, and then you start killing him; you are poisoning. If he allows you this poisoning, sooner or later he will be just a thing. So wives become decorative pieces in the houses, husbands become just watchmen, but love disappears. And this is happening in all directions.
There is doubt in you because doubt has its benefits: it gives you more calculating power, it gives you more protection, nobody can deceive you easily. So you doubt, but then doubt creates anxiety because deep down you are uneasy. Doubt is just like illness. Unless you have trust you cannot be at ease, because doubt means wavering and wavering is uneasy. Doubt means, “What to do; this or that?” Doubt means, “To be or not to be?” And it is impossible to decide.
Through doubt, not even on a single point is decision possible. At the most, you can decide with the part of the mind which becomes the majority. But the minority is there, and it is not a small minority. And because you have chosen against the minority, the minority will always be looking for the situation when it can say you have chosen wrongly. The minority is there to rebel; it is a constant turmoil within you.
With doubt there is uneasiness. It is an illness, it is just like any illness: it is a mental illness. So a man who doubts becomes more and more ill. But you cannot easily deceive him because he is more cunning, he is more clever in the ways of the world. You cannot deceive him, but he is ill. So there is a benefit - he cannot be deceived - but there is a loss, a great loss. The benefit is at a very great cost: he remains wavering, uneasy, he cannot decide. Even if he decides, that decision is just the major portion deciding against the minor. He is divided, there is always conflict.
You also want trust. You also want to be in faith, because faith gives you health; there is no indecisiveness, you are completely certain. Certainty gives you a happiness: there is no wavering, you are unwavering; you are whole, not divided, and wholeness is health. Trust gives you health, but then you become vulnerable, anybody can deceive you. If you trust you are in danger, because there are people all around who would like to exploit you, and they can exploit you only when you trust. If you doubt, they cannot exploit.
So you are mounted on two horses, doubt and faith. But you are doing the impossible: you will remain constantly in anxiety and anguish, you will deteriorate. In this conflict of the two horses you will die. Some day or other there is going to be an accident and that accident will be your death: you will be finished before you have reached anywhere; you will be finished before the flowers come; you will be finished before you come to know what life is, what it means to be. The being will have disappeared.
It is impossible for a man to mount two horses.