Chapter 10: The Fire Test of Love
So when you are initiated this is what will happen. When you drop the initiation the opposite will happen. It should happen, it is perfectly logical, it is all one process. Now you will have to speak against me. Now whatever doubt you had repressed will surface and whatever trust you had superimposed upon yourself will vanish. Now all of your doubts will manifest with a vengeance. They will have to, because what you are leaving has to be wrong, just as when you had taken it up it had to be right.
So for five years Vijayananda has been speaking in my favor, now for fifty years he will have to speak against me. The doubts that were repressed for five years will now emerge. Now he will have to defend himself because the same people who were saying he was crazy to take sannyas will now say, “We told you, didn’t we, that you were crazy.” Now they will have to be answered.
Now a great difficulty will arise and he will have to defend himself against it. There is only one defense and that is to say that he had been deluded. Or another defense is that, “Some things were right and I became a sannyasin because of those things, but after I became a sannyasin I gradually found out that some things were wrong. Then slowly slowly as my experience grew I realized that everything was wrong. On the surface things appeared right, but inside everything was wrong.” This is self-defense. It is totally natural. Don’t worry about it at all, but certainly understand it.
As far as Mahesh is concerned he never grew beyond the status of a student. He had come out of curiosity. He had just come along with Vijayananda, and he left with him too. His coming was merely accidental. Neither he came nor has he left. According to me he never came nor did he leave. I never took any account of Mahesh. One does not have to keep account of such people, they are like driftwood floating in the river. If they hit the shore and then the shore begins to think that they have come in search of it that would be wrong, a gust of wind can come and the driftwood will just float away. He had just come along with Vijayananda, and when I gave sannyas to Mahesh, Vijayananda was present. Before giving sannyas to Mahesh I said, “Vijayananda, you also come and sit next to him so he has some support.”
I seated Vijayananda close by, just at Mahesh’s side, and Vijayananda put his hand on his back. Then I gave him sannyas. I didn’t know Mahesh, whether he had any worth or not, whether he had come out of any inquiry. Whatever did happen, happened with Vijayananda. He is Vijayananda’s disciple, not mine.