Chapter 10: God Is Because You Are Full of Fear
Recently I developed epileptic fits - apparently due to a tiny cyst in my brain - which the specialists don’t understand. But for me it feels like something amazing is happening. The first fit, in June, came totally as a surprise, and felt like a big hit on the head: wake up! Since leaving the commune I have been living unaware. Afterwards I changed; wanted to be alone, silent, to meditate and to listen to you. Gradually I’m more with friends again, feeling more mature, more centered. Then, while feeling physically very well and clear in myself, another fit happened a few days ago. Already I feel something different again, a greater intensity - sometimes very afraid, sometimes so ecstatic I feel I could explode! Generally I am more playful. For the first time I feel beautiful, safer, more loving. Life is very beautiful and joyful. I enjoy the prelude to the fits; my learned knowledge disappears and I’m left with a sense of me - very easy, no effort. But fear comes too: I’m afraid of what might happen, and during the fits I sense a huge no in me. I feel that if I could say yes instead, it would somehow be better. Osho, please could you comment?
There are a few things which are important for everybody, not only to the questioner.
The most important thing is that medical science, physiology, psychology, are very immature in the sense that they are only doing their work on the surface of human beings. They are not finding a way to man’s center. And because they do not accept the existence of some consciousness beyond mind, of some consciousness beyond death, they are completely closed, prejudiced against the whole tremendous effort mystics have made in finding the center of consciousness.
Many times the diagnosis of a physiologist or a physician may be absolutely wrong for the simple reason that his vision is not comprehensive enough. He understands man only as matter, and mind as just a by-product of matter, a shadow phenomenon with nothing beyond it, nothing eternal, nothing that is going to remain forever.
They have created a picture of human beings which creates despair in intelligent people. And because of their outright rejection, their approach is not scientific; it is as superstitious as any other fanatic religious or political person’s. Science has no right to deny consciousness unless it has explored the inner sky of human consciousness and found that it is dream stuff, not a reality but only a shadow. They have not explored - they have simply assumed.
Materialism is the assumption, the superstition of the world of science, just as God, heaven and hell are superstitions of the religious world. Science is not yet pure science and it cannot be, because the scientist is not yet innocent, unprejudiced, ready to go with the truth in spite of himself and his conditioning.
The fits that are happening to you are not a disease. I am not a physician but I am not looking from the physician’s side of the phenomenon, I am looking from the other shore. Your fit is really a rushing, overwhelming consciousness that your mind cannot contain, and because it cannot contain it, it goes unconscious.
I will not call it a disease. I will say you are blessed. And the reason I am so certain that it is not a disease is because after the fit you feel blissful, ecstatic as you have never felt. After a disease you cannot feel ecstatic - you will feel exhausted. After a disease you will feel weak, shaken, wobbly.but you are feeling ecstatic, you are feeling more blissful than you have ever imagined you could feel.
The fruit is the evidence of the tree it has come from. If it is juicy, sweet, tasteful, it is saying something about the tree because whatever it has is a gift from the tree. The tree must be young, the tree must be full of juice. Just looking at the fruit or the flower you can infer much about the tree.