Chapter 19: Deeper and Deeper into the Mysterious, the Miraculous
You have attempted so many times to commit suicide. This time you commit suicide my style. And anyway, you have failed so much that you must have become very much of an expert in failing. And deep down you don’t want to die because you are afraid of death - which is natural. Why should one put an end to one’s life when life has not even been lived? You have not even tasted it, you have not explored the multidimensional beauties, joys and blessings of life.
Naturally you are afraid. But still you go on attempting it, because you don’t know how to get rid of all the miseries. Suicide seems to be the simplest way. You are in a split: half of your mind says, “Commit suicide and be finished with all this nonsense - enough is enough.” The other part tries to sabotage your effort, because the other part wants to live. You have not lived yet.
Suicide is not going to help. Only more life, more abundant life, is going to help. So this time kill the ego, and see the miracle happen. With the ego gone, there is no misery, no anguish, and no need to commit suicide. With the ego gone, all the doors that were closed by the ego suddenly open and you are available to the sun, to the moon, to the stars.
And it is easier, because to kill the ego you don’t need a pistol, kerosene oil, a rope to hang the ego, fire to burn the ego, and if everything fails, then a deep mountainous river underneath to finish the ego. You don’t need any of these things, because the ego is only a creation of the society, of the religions, of the culture. It does not exist in fact. You have only to look deeply into it; it is a shadow. You have to look into it, and it is not there.
Meditation is simply a method of looking into what this ego is. And whoever has ever looked in has not found it. Without any exception, throughout the history of man, whoever has looked inwards has not come across any ego.
This is the suicide of the ego. Nothing has to be done, just a little turning in. And once you know it is not there, then all the sufferings that you were carrying because of a non-existential ego disappear. They cannot have any nourishment anymore. All these things have been created in your mind by conditioning, by programming; that’s what the society has done to you. We have lived the whole of history in an ugly way.
One of my professors did not agree with me, that something can be created by other people when it is not there at all. So I said, “I will show it to you.”
I was very much loved by the man; his wife was also very loving towards me. I went to his wife and told her, “Tomorrow morning when the professor gets up, you have to pretend that you are shocked, and say to him, ‘What has happened to you? When you went to bed you were perfectly okay; now your face is looking pale. Are you sick or something?’”
The next morning the professor simply denied it. He said, “What nonsense are you talking? I am perfectly okay.”
I had told his gardener, “When he comes into the garden, you simply say, ‘My God! What has happened to you? You cannot walk, you are wobbling. Something is wrong with you. Just go inside and rest and I will go and call the doctor.’”
And I had said to both these people, “Whatsoever he says, exactly in his own words, you write it down. I will collect those notes.”