Chapter 28: Death Never Happens
For ego, it makes no difference: struggle is okay if it is nourishment for the ego, compromise is okay if it is nourishment for the ego. The ego wants to remain - it can use any means. There is no question of deciding what is right, what is wrong. For the ego, anything that keeps it strong is right - might is right. So if you can get something through compromise, why should you bother to fight? Yes, if you cannot get it through compromise, you are ready to struggle, to fight, to do anything that you are capable of.
This must have been your situation - just look back. What I am saying, try to find out.be just a fair judge of your own past, because if you had been rebellious like me, I cannot conceive that there came a point where you compromised. In rebellion there never comes a point of compromise. Only in reaction is there a point of compromise.
Your word compromise makes me absolutely certain what it was - not rebellion but reaction. You say, “In the end they got me.” Why? If you were so strong in the beginning, in the end you would have been even more strong, all the years of struggle would have sharpened your sword. But if in the end you compromise, that simply means now you have come to a higher position as far as ego is concerned. Now there is no fear; you can compromise and still go on becoming bigger and bigger as an ego.
Nothing came in my way. You are asking, “Why did this happen to you and not to me?” We were working from totally different standpoints. I was not reactionary; hence, even the people with whom I fought had tremendous love for me, they never became my enemies. I fought with my father, I fought with my mother, but they both became sannyasins. It is a rare phenomenon. They knew that I was not fighting with them for my ego. Just the contrary: I was fighting so that they should not be able to create an ego in me.
I received their blessings always. It looks very strange that the people with whom I was fighting were always blessing me. What was the cause of it? They could see clearly that I was absolutely simple and humble. I was not trying my ego against their ego. My teachers loved me. My professors wept when I left the university. The same professors who were continually bothered by me, they wept.
I asked them, “What is the matter? You should be happy that you are getting rid of a great nuisance.”
They said, “We will miss you.”
One of my professors, S.S. Roy, said to me, “I don’t expect to get another student of your type. For two years you have argued against me, but I could see that your argument was not an ego trip. You were sincerely searching for the truth. Students will come,” he said. “I had students in the past; I will have students in the future. But I do not see that I will have a student like you, whose effort is not just to pass examinations, get degrees - in fact who is not interested in the examinations, not interested in the degrees, not interested in the gold medals - but is sincerely interested in knowing the truth about everything.”
Nobody with whom I have struggled has ended in enmity with me. They all loved me, they still love me.