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Chapter 12: Who Am I?

There is no need to be against it. Dive deep into it, go into it. Going into it means bringing awareness into your house, bringing light into darkness. Be alert, watchful. Watch the ways of the ego, how it functions, how it manages at all. And you will be surprised: the deeper you go into it, the less it is found. And when you have penetrated to the very core of your being, you will find something totally different which is not ego, which is egolessness. It is self, supreme self - it is godliness. You have disappeared as a separate entity; you are no more an island. Now you are part of the whole.

In that experience of being one with the whole, the ego is sacrificed, but that is only a way of speaking, a metaphor. Don’t take it literally.

Try to understand the ego. Analyze it, dissect it, watch it, observe it, from as many angles as possible. And don’t be in a hurry to sacrifice it, otherwise the greatest egoist is born: the person who thinks he is humble, the person who thinks that he has no ego.

That is again the same story played on a more subtle level. That’s what the religious people have been doing down the ages - pious egoists they have been. They have made their ego even more decorated; it has taken the color of religion and holiness. Your ego is better than the ego of a saint; your ego is better, far better - because your ego is very gross, and the gross ego can be understood and dropped more easily than the subtle. The subtle ego goes on playing such games that it is very difficult. One will need absolute awareness to watch it.

The ego of the sinner is more easily dropped than the ego of the saint. And the saint can always manage to pretend. And his ego is so polished, so decorated, so holy, so sanctified by tradition, by convention, by the crowd, that he may almost forget about it.

The real search is not to make your ego humble; that is ego standing upside-down, ego doing shirshasan - headstand. Avoid it. Rather, follow a totally different path: meditate on the phenomenon of ego, inquire what it is. And as the inquiry deepens, the ego disappears. Inquiring into the ego you will come to the self.

And remember: the self has nothing to do with the ego, because the self has nothing to do with you at all. The self is always the supreme self; Aham brahmasmi - I am God. At that point, you are not, only godliness is; Tattvamasi - thou art that. At that point, there is no distinction between thou and that. The dewdrop has disappeared into the ocean and has become the ocean itself.

But no sacrifice - the non-substantial cannot be sacrificed, it can only be understood. And in the very understanding is the disappearing. And this disappearance is beautiful, because it does not leave any traces behind - no scars, no wounds.

The second question:

What is rationalization? I am asking this question because my husband is a professor of philosophy and whatsoever I say he almost always says it is nothing but a rationalization.

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