Chapter 16: Who Created God?
A few nights ago in darshan, sitting very close to you, I was suddenly flooded with the words “Osho, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over again until I was so filled with pain and regret I could hardly sit in front of you. Now, after Patipada’s question, the feeling has returned and I feel sick with a remorse which I don’t understand. I feel as if I have failed you or hurt you in some unforgivable way, and knowing that you will never forget my stupidities weighs heavy on my heart. Beloved Osho, I’m sorry, and I don’t even really know what for.
There is nothing for you to be sorry for. It is just your love, and your sensitivity that is making you feel remorse and sorrow.
I had answered Patipada, and certainly I am wounded and hurt; but not by you. You simply felt my being wounded and hurt, and that’s why you are puzzled, why you are feeling sorry and sad. But Patipada is not feeling sorry or sad - just thick-skinned.
She has also written a letter to me, saying, “I looked deep into myself, and I don’t feel that I have to be sorry for anything, that I have to apologize to the commune or to you.”
And she was one of the members of the criminal gang that was the root cause that American politicians used to destroy the commune. She was aware that even my room was bugged by Sheela, and I had asked Sheela, “Is my room bugged?”
She flatly denied it, but I could see from her face - she became pale, and she said, “Tomorrow I can bring the electricians to check it, but it is not bugged.” And Patipada knew all these things.
I have loved you so much, I have trusted you so much, and this is the reward you give me - you bug my own room. And she does not feel that she owes an apology. I have not been saying that she has done these things, but the group that was doing them.she was part of it. At least she could have informed me, she could have inquired whether I have ordered Sheela to bug my room. But still she is not repentant about it.
You are very sensitive. Your love is great, your trust is immense. You have not done anything, neither were you aware of anything that was being done; but you have felt my wound, and that feeling is disturbing you.
My wound is: I am the first person in history who has given women not only equality in my communes, but even superiority. You have not failed me, but my opinion of women has certainly gone down.
I was trying to compensate, because man has tortured woman for centuries - made her feel inferior in every way. My effort was to bring woman to her natural status; but a group of twenty women proved far uglier than twenty men would have proved. They have not only destroyed the commune, they have destroyed their only friend in the whole world, who has given them superior status and a more spiritual consciousness.