Chapter 10: The Door Opens
You may be surprised.when a child grows up in a family, and each child has to grow in a family, it is almost a must, there is no other way, some kind of family is needed. Even if it is a commune it will have its own limitations, it may be a kibbutz but it will have its own limitations. And there is no way to bring up a child without a certain nourishing surrounding. That nourishing surrounding is a must; without it the child cannot survive. The child has to be looked after, but the child has to pay for it. It is not simple, it is very complex. The child has to continuously adjust himself to the family because the family is right, the father is right, the mother is right. They are powerful people. The child is helpless: he has to depend on them, he has to look up to them, he has to follow them. Right or wrong is not the question; the child has to become a shadow, an imitator.
That’s what Hinduism is, Christianity is, that’s what Eastern and Western mind is. And it is very subtle; the child may never become aware of it because it is not done in one day, it goes on so slowly, just like the water falling from the mountain, falling and falling and falling, and it destroys the rocks, and the stones disappear.
The child has to adjust in many ways. That adjustment makes him false, inauthentic; makes him untrue, untrue to his own being. Now psychologists have discovered that if a certain child proves to be stupid, it may not be so, because no child is born stupid. It may be just the whole surrounding, the family, that he had to adjust to. If the father is too intellectual, the child will have to behave in a stupid way to keep a balance. If the child behaves in an intelligent way the father is, in a subtle way, angry. He cannot tolerate an intelligent child, he never tolerates anybody who is trying to be more intelligent than him. He will force the child to remain inferior, notwithstanding what he goes on saying. And the child will learn the trip of behaving like a fool, because when he behaves like a fool, everything goes okay, everything is perfectly okay. The father may show his displeasure on the surface, but deep down he is satisfied. He always likes fools around him; surrounded by fools, he is the most intelligent person.
Because of this, for hundreds of years women have learned a trick: they never try to be intellectuals, the husband won’t like it. Not that they are not intelligent; they are as intelligent as men, but they have to learn. Have you not watched it? If the wife is more educated, the husband feels a little bad about it. No man wants to marry a woman who is more educated than him, more famous than him. Not only that, but in small things too: if the woman is taller, no man wants to marry her. Maybe it is just because of this that women have decided biologically also not to become too tall. There may be some kind of psychological reason in it - otherwise you will not get a husband. If you are too intelligent, you will not get a husband. The woman has to pretend that she always remains a baby, childish, so that the husband can feel good that the woman leans on him.
In a family, the child comes into a ready-made situation. Everything is already there: he has to fit himself into it, he has to adjust to it. He cannot be himself. If he tries to be himself, he always gets into trouble and he starts feeling guilty. He has to adjust, whatsoever the cost. Survival is the most important thing, the first thing. Other things are secondary. So each child has to adjust with the family, with the parent, with geography, with history, with the idiosyncrasies of the people around him, with all kinds of prejudices, stupid beliefs, superstitions. By the time you become aware or you become a little bit independent, you are so conditioned, the conditioning has gone so deep in the blood and the bones and the marrow, that you cannot get out of it.