Chapter 4: Meditation Is Death and Resurrection
The man said, “What are you talking about? What will I gain if I lose myself?”
And Jesus answered, “He who loses, finds himself, and he who saves, loses himself forever.”
You can ask if you have any more things to ask.
How is it that when the kundalini begins to awaken there appear impediments in its way that block its flow? What is the reason? And what can we do to make it move again?
There are not many reasons, only one. It is that we do not invoke it, provoke it, with all our will and might, and that we do not put our total energy into awakening it. Our efforts are always fragmentary and incomplete; they are never total. Whatever we do, we do half-heartedly. We do nothing totally. And this is the obstruction; this is the only obstruction. There would be no obstructions at all if we did things totally. But throughout our lives we have got into the habit of going only halfway; we never go the whole way. Even if we love, we do it halfheartedly; we love a person and we also hate them. It sounds strange that we hate the very person we love. We love a person, we want to live for their sake, and at times we also think of murdering them. It is difficult to find a lover who has not thought of their beloved being dead.
Our life is such that it is always divided, always half and half. And the two halves are always pulling in opposite directions. Unlike our two legs which move in the same direction, the two halves of our divided mind move in opposite directions. And that is what causes us tension and conflict.
What is this restlessness in our lives, except that we are always half and half, split, fragmentary, and lukewarm?
A young man came to me and said that for twenty years he had been thinking of committing suicide.
I told him, “You madman, why don’t you do it then? Twenty years is a long time. When are you going to commit suicide if you have been thinking of it for twenty long years? You are going to die anyway. Will you commit suicide after you are dead?”
The young man was startled and he said, “What are you saying? I came to you with the hope that you will persuade me not to do it.”
I replied, “Need I persuade you, when you did not do it for twenty years?”
His answer was, “Whoever I met persuaded me not to commit suicide.”