Chapter 8: Not Knowing Is the Most Intimate
But things are happening far more quickly. Every situation is being created here so processes can be quickened. It is not too late, Pankaja, it is too early. And I can see the change happening. The spring is not far away; the first flowers have already appeared.
In fact, this was your vocation, but it took so many years of your life to reach me. What you were doing before you came to me was not really part of your heart; it was just a head trip - hence it was not a fulfillment. Successful you could become; famous, yes, that was possible. But it would not have been a contentment, it would not have been a deep deep joy - because unless something that belongs to your heart starts growing, contentment is not possible, fulfillment is not possible.
Now you are on the right track. Now things will happen with a faster pace. Speed also is accumulative. If you have watched the spring, first only one flower blooms, and then ten flowers, then hundreds of flowers, and then thousands, and then millions..
Just like that it happens in spiritual growth too. But everybody is stumbling in darkness, groping in darkness. Somebody becomes a poet not knowing whether that is his vocation, his heart’s real desire. Somebody becomes a musician not knowing whether that is going to fulfill his life. Somebody becomes a painter.. And people have to become something; some earning is needed and one has to do something to prove oneself. So people go on groping and they become something.
And you are fortunate, Pankaja, that you came to realize that what you were doing was not the real thing for you. There are many unfortunate people - after their whole lives are wasted, then they recognize that they have been into something which was not their real work. They were doing somebody else’s work.
I have heard about a famous surgeon, one of the world’s most famous surgeons. He was retiring. Even at the age of seventy-five his hands were as young as they had been before. He was able to do brain surgery even at the age of seventy-five; his hands were not yet shaky.
Everybody was happy - his disciples, students, colleagues - and they were celebrating. But he was sad. Somebody asked him, “Why are you sad? You are the world’s most famous brain surgeon. You should be happy!”
He said, “Yes, I should be happy, I also think so, but what can I do? I never wanted to be a famous surgeon in the first place. I wanted to be a dancer - and I am the lousiest dancer you can find. My father forced me to be a surgeon - and he was right in a way, because by dancing what can you get? The very idea was silly in his eyes, so he forced me to be a surgeon. I became a surgeon, I became famous. Now I am retiring, but I am sad - my whole life has gone down the drain. I never wanted to be a surgeon in the first place, so who cares whether I am famous or not? I would have loved to be just a good dancer, even if unknown, anonymous - that would have been enough.”