Chapter 21: What Am I Doing Here?
Sannyas is trust in existence. And the moment you trust, there is no fear, there is no worry, and there is no difficulty. Life becomes the most enjoyable, relaxed phenomenon.
You are asking, “Why is it so difficult for me to take sannyas?” My suggestion is that you cannot deliberately take sannyas; it is something like love that happens, it is something like sleep that comes. You cannot make any effort for the sleep to come, nor can you make any effort for love to happen - these are not part of the world of doings. Your first difficulty is that you are thinking of taking sannyas. Drop that idea, and sannyas will take you. Suddenly you will realize, “My God, I am a sannyasin.”
It simply comes - and it comes so silently, so gracefully. But the idea of taking sannyas is basically wrong; hence it becomes difficult. Even if you take it, it will be false, it won’t be the true sannyas; you will be simply dreaming that you have taken sannyas. The authentic sannyas simply comes one moment and possesses you - it springs up from your very heart, and there is no way to avoid it. It is your very heartbeat.
So the first thing you have to drop is the idea of taking. Just be here, enjoy for a few days. Just watch other birds opening their wings in the sky. Participate in their songs, in their dances, without bothering about sannyas. And if you start feeling that it is already happening, in a moment when you are lost in singing and dancing, when you are not there.it occupies your innermost being.
It is not something that you have to do, it is something that simply grows in you. It is not a commodity that you have to purchase, it is a quality, a grace, a search which starts growing inside you - just like a seed disappears into the soil and in its place a plant starts growing. That plant was asleep in the seed; now it has awakened.
Sannyas is asleep in you, just asleep. So dance madly, sing madly, meditate, enjoy all these people, this crazy communion, and the moment will come on its own. When you are ripe you will find that there is nothing more easy than sannyas.
You are saying, “Ever since I saw you in an interview on TV one year ago, I’ve never been so nervous before in my whole life.” It is a good sign. I touched your heart. Your nervousness, that you have never felt before, is simply an indication that something new has started happening in you. You don’t know what it is, you don’t know where it is going to lead you; hence the nervousness.
People always feel good walking on the superhighway where the whole crowd of millions of people are walking. They may be going nowhere, but just because so many people are going, you feel a certain confidence that so many people cannot be wrong. But my whole teaching is that unless you start moving alone, dropping the crowd.because the crowd has never reached anywhere, and one has never heard of a crowd becoming enlightened. A crowd always remains a crowd - blind, deaf, without direction. It just goes on because it always finds somebody ahead of it is continuing on.