Chapter 9: Almost Dead With Thirst
That’s why you cannot remember many things of your childhood. If you go backwards you will be able to remember up to the age of three, four: beyond that you will not be able to penetrate. What is the matter? Was not memory functioning? Were not there any experiences, imprints on the mind, impressions? They were there! In fact, a young child of three years or two years of age is more impressionable than he ever will be. And millions of experiences are happening to the child. But why is the memory not there? - because the ego is still not ripe. Who will carry the memory? What will be the nucleus of the memory? The child has not yet identified who he is. No identification has come up yet.
How will he get the ego? He looks into the eyes of the mother; the eyes are happy, smiling. He gathers the impression, “I must be beautiful, I must be lovely, valuable, precious. Whenever the mother comes near, she becomes so happy. She comes and kisses me.” The child is gathering impressions. The father comes and the father goes crazy - throws the child into the air, plays with the child.and the child is watching. The father becomes the mirror, the mother becomes the mirror. Neighbors come - and by and by he’s accumulating. He is filing into the mind who he is.
That’s why, if a child has been brought up without a mother, he will always be lacking something in his identity. He will not be able to love himself, because the basic impression of somebody loving is not there. He will be in certain ways always shaky; he will not be sure. The mother gives the surety and the certainty - that you are loved, that you are precious, that you make people happy, you are valuable. And as the child moves, neighbors, friends, schoolteachers, millions of impressions, millions of mirrors are all around. And he goes on gathering.
Of course, very soon he starts filing impressions in divisions. Those who love him he cherishes; those who hate him he does not like. So, many impressions which are not good for the ego, he goes on throwing them in the basement of the mind, in the unconscious. Somebody hits him, somebody says, “You are ugly”; the teacher says, “You are stupid” - these impressions he goes on throwing in the unconscious. A division has started.
The conscious is that which you cherish and love - your beautiful image. And in the unconscious you go on throwing the ugly image. Division has entered into the mind. This is the beginning of schizophrenia. If it goes to the very extreme you will become split into two personalities. Normally, also, you are not one; you are two. When you are angry the suppressed personality takes possession. Watch somebody who is getting into anger: the face changes, the eyes change, the behavior.suddenly he is not the same person, it is as if something foreign has entered. He is possessed, and he will do things he himself could not imagine that he can do - he can commit a murder in rage and anger and he will not be able to understand how it happened. Many murderers in the courts say that they never did it - and they are not lying. In fact, they never did it; somebody else, a faraway personality with which they are not identified, possessed them.