Chapter 8: A Holiday from Sanity
The first question:
Every time I fall in love, things start to crash all around me. I guess that I lose my center but in this state I don’t know if I have a center or not. Things get confused and crazy.
The question is from Krishna Priya.
The first thing: you don’t yet have a center. That which you feel as a center is just the ego. It is not your true center. It is a pseudo feeling, very illusory. So when you fall in love, ego has to disappear. In love, the ego cannot exist. Love is something far more true, far more authentic than you are. That’s why you will always feel that things start getting a little bit crazy - because you cannot control them. The controller is no more. When the ego is not there, who is there to control or to discipline? Then you are in a chaos.
But that chaos is far more beautiful than the ugly ego. Out of that chaos all the stars are born. Out of that chaos you are born anew. It is a rebirth. Each love affair is a new birth.
So don’t take it negatively. Don’t think that you are losing something in love - you have nothing to lose. If you have something then there is no way to lose it. If you have the real center then love supports that center, integrates it, makes it more crystallized. Truth helps truth.
For example, if there is darkness in the room and you bring a lamp, the darkness is destroyed. But if there is light - there is a lamp - then the room has more light than before. The light is doubled.
The ego is like darkness, a false entity. It only appears to be there, it has no positive reality. When the light of love comes, darkness goes out. If you have the real center - what Gurdjieff calls crystallization or what Hindus call atman or what Sufis call rooh, spirit - if you really have it then each love will make it more and more clear, more and more transparent, more and more available. Each love affair will be a step - and you will be moving higher in crystallization.
So this is the first thing to be understood: don’t choose the ego, always choose love. When it is a question between the real and the unreal, choose the real, even if sometimes the real brings inconvenience. It does bring inconvenience. We have chosen the unreal because it is convenient - for no other reason have we chosen it. There is just one reason: it is convenient. You will have to go through inconvenience. That inconvenience is what I call tapascharya, austerity, sadhana. That’s what it means to be initiated into a path.