Chapter 3: A Feeling of Coming Home
An earthquake is happening: my ancient crust is cracking and marvelous squirts of bliss are pouring out. More and more, your words are incredibly accurate descriptions of my inner world, not just beautiful images of somewhere else. Your finger used to point to the moon, but now I have seen my own moon; your finger is pointing to my very center. I am shy to write this. I needed courage to uncover my anguish; strangely, acknowledging my joy needs even more.
Devageet, it is one of the most fundamental experiences that you have pointed out in your question. It certainly needs more courage to expose your joy, your blissfulness than it needs to describe your anxiety, your anguish. The difficulty is, of course, different in each case.
To expose one’s anguish, anxiety, misery, suffering, courage is needed because it is exposing yourself in your utter nudity: your wounds, your ugliness, your insanity - things which everybody wants to hide from the world. It goes against your ego, against your personality.
But to express your joy needs more courage for another reason. There are two reasons: one, it is difficult to find words - almost impossible - to describe your blissfulness, your silence, your serenity, because the experience of all these things is beyond the scope of the mind; hence it is naturally beyond language, beyond words, beyond explanations. Secondly, to say “I am joyful,” to say “I am blissful,” to say “I am discovering my own center,” is dangerous because it creates envy and jealousy all around.
Everybody will believe your misery; nobody will believe your joy. Everybody will believe - even if you are lying - your anxiety, your suffering, because everybody knows what suffering is, what misery is; it is everybody’s experience. Nobody is going to believe your joy - it goes against their egos to accept that you are reaching closer to your discovery, closer to your center. It goes against their very ego that they are still far away from the goal and you have reached so close. It cannot be believed - you must be lying, you must be deceived.
If you go on insisting that you have achieved and if your life starts showing evidence of it, they will create all kinds of explanations to demolish your evidence. They may say you are a hypocrite, you are a pretender, that there is no joy in you - you are simply smiling to befool people. If you are still adamant, and you go on dancing and singing on your way without bothering what they are saying, their second step will be to say that you are mad.
To accept that somebody is coming closer to home is so difficult; it hurts so deeply and so many people, that they are always in the majority and you are alone. It is easier for them to declare you mad, because the only way to save their skin will be for them to be as joyous as you are, which is not a simple matter - they will have to go for a long pilgrimage. But it is easy to condemn you, to find reasons.and if everything fails, you are insane - that is their last resort.