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Chapter 9: Be Kind to Yourself, Stop All This Seeking

Somebody attracts you; there can be any reason for that attraction. Mostly - perhaps one hundred percent, not mostly - the woman you are attracted to has something in her eyes, in the color of her hair, in her way of talking, in her voice, in her gestures, the way she walks.something in her resembles your mother. You are always in love with your mother, and your whole life you are seeking another mother. Of course, you are going to be frustrated.

All lovers are frustrated, except those who never manage to get married. For example, Laila and Majnu - the society did not allow them. Shiri and Farhad - their families came in. They were never frustrated, they remained lovers their whole life. They lived loving the other person, they died loving the other person. But if you come together.. They were prevented from coming together. If you come together you are going to find that this woman is not your mother.

Now, it is a very complicated phenomenon. You cannot get married to your actual mother, or your actual father, but that’s what your biology is seeking. It never finds it. People go on changing their lovers, and each lover frustrates more, because by and by they start becoming aware that this search is never going to end. You can have all the women of the world or all the men of the world; still you will not be contented. In fact, you will be the most frustrated human being ever, because you have known all the women - now there is no hope.

All the old societies insist on monogamy. They are trying to prevent you from getting too frustrated. In India you will not find so much frustration as you will find in America; it is just out of the question. You are married to a woman - this life is finished. If you want to search for another, then wait for another incarnation, but in this life there is no chance. People get settled, not out of joy, it is a compromise - what else to do?

But in California you can never get settled. There are other women around you, other men around you. Perhaps if this woman has failed, there must be some woman who is born just for you; it is only a question of finding her. The poets have given you that idea that every man is born for a certain woman. And when they meet for the first time, lovers usually say, “We are made for each other.”

Nobody is made for each other, and it will not take long to discover that you were wrong. As your honeymoon ends, you know perfectly well, one thing is certain: you were not made for each other. No woman can be exactly like your mother, no man can be exactly like your father. In this world, everything is unique; you cannot find the same person again. But every small girl loves her father, every small boy loves his mother.

In a way it seems natural, but this is one of the basic causes of human misery. Later on, what are you going to do? That first imprint of his mother in a vulnerable child’s mind is going to haunt him for his whole life. Yes, fragments he may find here and there: the color of the hair, the color of the eyes, the sound of the voice. But a fragment is not the whole, and you are searching for the whole.

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